Olatunkboh Prosper Goodluck

Nigerian Prince

I’ve been receiving lot of mails from this Nigerian prince lately – Olatunkboh Prosper Goodluck. He promised to help me turn my life around. His spelling and grammar blows, I admit. But you can’t judge a man SOLELY ON HIS PREFERENCE FOR WRITING IN CAPS-LOCK? After all he is a prince, so his voice always carries lot of weight. And has anyone actually seen a Nigerian keyboard layout to confirm Caps-Lock isn’t just optional?

I could certainly use some financial help!  After investing in a penis enlargement and spending the last remainder of my savings on a Viagra shipment, times have become very hard!

The best things in life are free, … newsletters, …. googling tiny animal penises on Bing, … advise from people on Reddit, …), but you can’t live on this forever. So yes dear friend Olatunkboh Prosper Goodluck, your heart is big, I will also promise to help you with $100,-

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Learning Python the “hard” way

so my GF is a network engineer and OSI model. But she never was much interested in programming. She gets far more aroused reading her 3GPP specs. Wondering how to get her interested in programming, I resorted to some guerrilla tactics:

While in bed with her we often talk dirty which is a perfect opportunity to throw in the occasional word and say: “Python” …  I won’t go into specifics in order to keep this post PG rated.  But referring to your “little general” as “Python” during intercourse, and then afterwards emphasizing that “Python is no longer hard” made her somehow associate Python with pleasure & fun. We also have a safe word which is “OOP”, but we never used it so far.

My next step was to leave several copies of the book “Learning Python the Hard way” lying around the house. And before I knew it she started reading it in her bathrobe and hot underwear.

python_the_hard_wayNow that she worked through the book we have come up with an idea for an app called BonR which we’ll code together (in Python). In a nutshell it’s an app for souncloud.

It creates perfect playlists for the bedroom. It uses text2speech and reads out the user-submitted comments on a track while the song is playing. This is fantastically motivating during sex.

Generally listening to music during sex is fantastic. I personally prefer live albums. That way there is an applause every 3 to 4 mins.

All this has worked great for me, only embarrassing thing is that recently I also get boners at the office during Python pair-programming sessions.

Posted in Book Review, disgusted, IT, music, musings, programming | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

The Code from Ipanema’s not working

If programming is like art, implementing business logic is elevator music.

Ipanema Code - The Bossa Nova Cookbook

#!/usr/bin/perl
use EverySingleFuckingModelFromCPAN;
#use strict;
#use warnings;

print <<IPANEMA

¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫
Fat and bloated and slow and unstructured and buggy 
The code from Ipanema gets committed
And when tests she not passes, each one she not passes 
We goes "A-r-r-g-h" 
When she crashes she's like totally trashes
When she crashes, she's like totally trashes
What loads, swaps and alloc()'s forever?
That when tests she not passes, each one she not passes 
We goes "A-r-r-g-h" 
Oh, but I watch her so angry 
Must tell her I loath her 
No, I won't give my time gladly 
But each day as I try not to see 
Always lurks in my repo, straight ahead right at me! 
Fat and bloated and slow and unstructured and buggy, ...
The code from Ipanema's not working
And when she passes, I smile, but Jenkins didn't see.  
Jenkins just didn't see 
No, he just didn't see

IPANEMA
carp croak cluck confess and fucking die
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The dream which made me reconsider Java

James Gosling

as a fan of C, Python and Perl I have always dismissed Java. For 20 years in fact. Until yesterday! This is what happened:

As I was waiting for the compilation of the latest kernel to finish, I was browsing some Java forums (for a laugh, as you do). But I must have nodded off …. As my head rested on the keyboard I had the strangest dream.

In this dream I was headhunted by a promising VC-funded start-up called ButtMint.io. They hired me as technical lead and Full-Stack Java Developer. I was selected because unlike other applicants, I was fully dedicated to Java/J2EE. And in my CV I highlighted that “Java IS the stack”.

Guess the HR guy liked me because I never let my mind be poisoned with one of these hipster hype-languages such as Scala, LISP or Erlang. Ok I must admid, once I was tempted because of all this functional-programming talk lately. But thanks to the release of Java 8, I now have the power of lambdas at my fingertips! Alonzo Church would be so proud.

In my dream there were some younger guys on the team. They were always “Clojure this and Python that”. When I see people writing shell-scripts, it makes me gag. Fucking upstarts, … fresh out of university, … with their shiny skills, …. over-engineering everything! But guess I shouldn’t be too hard on them. Freshers just don’t know that in Java there is no need for scripts as you can simply use the power of exec():

public static void main(String argv[]) {
    try {
      String line;
      Process p = Runtime.getRuntime().exec("java ls -al| java sort");
      p.waitFor();
      System.out.println(p.exitValue());
    }
    catch (Exception err) {
      err.printStackTrace();
    }
  }

One time my colleagues played a trick on me and installed a vim plugin in my Eclipse. I almost lost a whole afternoon … had to call tech-support to help me exit Vim. I re-installed and defragged my computer and changed my password from java to J2ee!!!!! (J2EE improved my system security. So suck on that Java-bashers!).

What people don’t understand is that Java programming is like art! If Bob Ross would be a programmer he too would be a Java guru just like me.

happy little exceptions

Then I was awoken by the sweet sound of my hard-disk churning away as the kernel compiled. Feeling intrigued by what I learned from this dream I decided to no longer dismiss Java and after 20 years of C, Perl and Python give it one last chance.

So here is what I learned:

  1. Java is great because it works on all Operating Systems similar to anal sex works on all genders
  2. Java is a great language to learn programming because the time it takes the garbage-collection to complete you can learn other programming languages
  3. Java method names are never mentioned on twitter
  4. Java is not a hasty language. If it were a language in LOTR it would be New-Entish: It takes an awful lot of time to say anything: From coding to compilation to execution, Java is very “unhasty“.
  5. Java code has 90% less bugs than other programming languages, because it is so verbose and takes very long to type out what you want the program to do, … and so your mind starts wandering off, … and therefore it is likely that while typing you will subconsciously discover bugs made earlier.
  6. Java often gets a bad rep for being too verbose. This is unfair because Java supports loops and recursion to reduce it’s verbosity for those who lazy programmers who don’t like typing. But I prefer to keep it simple and happily accept the trade-off in readability over complexity. Remember not everyone might be a guru like you, so try to avoid exotic constructs such as while() and for(), …
  7. Memory leaks in Java are only theoretical because all the available memory of the OS can be made available to the application using -Xms -Xmx options (Insider tip for Linux: write a java program jfree.java to determine the amount of free memory on the OS and pass the value to these options. Use swapon (8) to add more memory on systems with less than 1 petabyte of physical memory or if you get ENOMEM errors)
  8. Java code is suitable for real-time applications by optimizing it’s logic in hardware (duh!)
  9. Sometimes logical errors and bugs will go away by switching to another JVM. This saves you from sifting through overly verbose source code (see above).
  10. Swing, Swinging & Swingers means something entirely different in the Java community. (unless you are looking for adult fun on the actual Indonesian island of Java, oh boy then it really gets confusing but that’s another story for another day)
  11. Security researchers have been picking at Java since 1995. Therefore over time, Java has become more secure, robust and stronger than other languages. “J2ee!!” is an excellent password because it contains upper-/lower case letters, digits and ! characters.
  12. Buffer overflows are impossible in Java because its buffers are bigger than yo mamma.
  13. Finding things about Java on the web is incredibly simple thanks to the “Ask! Toolbar” which gets re-/installed with every Java update.
  14. Java is a lightweight programming language suitable for embedded systems and close to the metal. (OK, one time I was alone in the bathroom … And I said this 3 times into the bathroom mirror. Then the ghost of Dennis Ritchie appeared and smacked me over the head with his book on C)

Conclusion: People who hate Java or poke fun at Java programmers should remember that this type of intolerance is exactly they type of thing which allowed the Nazis to gain power. So stop.

Comments appreciated, please no flames.

Posted in IT, programming | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

Stuck between Imposter Syndrome and Dunning Kruger effect

It was recently mentioned the Imposter Syndrome is common among Software Developers. The post proved very popular among redditors. As a satire writer who frequently wonders if my posts are funny enough I go through the cycle frequently:

  1. if my posts make it to the top and gets lots of traffic, I feel like I’m the best (Dunning Kruger)
  2. then a few negative comments (the internet is full of cruel people), and I suffer from an impostor syndrome,
  3. then I read the good comments and look at my “likes” and start to feel better about myself … then I fear I might experience the Dunning-Kruger effect,
  4. … so I go back to having impostor syndrome

imposter

Back in the 90ies we believed that everything was determined by genes … then we eventually found the gene that makes us believe everything is determined by our genes. So maybe there is also a syndrome that makes us believe any feeling we experience is due to a syndrome? An ultimate master of all syndromes could explain why we think everything is a syndrome!

Considering all the bad code I have seen in my life as a programmer, … what if we think we suffer from Imposter Syndrome, but in reality we’re really just shit?

day77

Comments below.

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journal of a Neckbeard

neckbeard is now officially described by the Oxford Dictionary as:

neck|beard

Pronunciation: /ˈnɛkbɪəd/

NOUN

INFORMAL

 
1. A growth of hair on a man’s neck, especially when regarded as indicative of poor grooming:I can picture myself wearing these clothes a week from now, bits of food caught in my overgrown neckbeard
 
1.1 A man who is socially inept and physically unappealing, especially one who has an obsessive interest in computing:I know people expect me to be some sort of balding, overweight neckbearda course that will school you to code from the console like a true neckbeard

 

A neckbeard is a gender non-specific term, requiring neither a neck nor a beard, but stands as a symbol of achievements as a geek. Many neckbeards including myself do have growth of hair simply because it’s practical. It makes me look older and emphasizes, “hey, I may still live with my parents, … but I’m no kid!”.

neckbeard

Beards are a great place to store food. So if I get hungry during a long session of Babylon 5 or Halo 3, I can just snack away on chunks of potato chips still clinging to life on the hairs of my cheeks.

When I’m not playing RPG’s I usually make DevOps cards like these:

DevOps

My hobbies are:

  • writing obfuscated, ok-performing, “Object-Oriented” Perl 5 code with higher-order functions.
  • Also I recently discovered Scala. I think Scala makes me a better programmer because I can learn other languages while it compiles. Also I get to use all the symbols on my keyboard when programming. I also love it because it’s the only programming language where I can write anonymous function that looks kinda like a cat peeking around a corner: (_<o.O)

Ladies, if you share my interests and like what you just read, please comment below, I’m open for dates on secondlife!

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DyslexicAtheist summer reading list

funny-bizarre-book-titles-0 funny-bizarre-book-titles-5 funny-bizarre-book-titles-24 funny-bizarre-book-titles-29 funny-bizarre-book-titles-30 funny-bizarre-book-titles-32 funny-bizarre-book-titles-34

pussy

pohh_gets_stuck

lesbians

 

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Combating writers block

writers blockWriters Block: Recent scientific findings on the subject aside, the most effective treatment remains an old Russian home-remedy. Many thanks to my dear friend Rodnya Raskolnikov, who shared this insight with me many years ago.

It works like this: Read some classic Russian literature (or just “literature” as the locals there call it). Anything will do, but I personally suggest Dostoevsky’s “Crime & Punishment”, or Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina”. Read it to somebody you love. If you don’t have anyone and nobody loves you, then read it to yourself. Now, … carefully collect their (or/and your own) tears in an empty glass. After each chapter mix what you collected with vodka (no ice).  Drink!

This works like a miracle according to Rodnya. Rodnya must know since he suffered from writers block all his life. Come to think of it, … the useless drunk never published anything!

Nastrovje!

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Rethinking the motherloving F-word

English language linguists agree that the word motherfucker has become so mainstream that it’s no longer considered an insult. But a little history first …

We cannot be sure that motherfucker, borne of fuck was not actually attested in speech by the dates we have first written attestation, and sadly enough they’re the only products amenable to historical investigation. First citations given for the earliest known definition, a despicable or contemptible person date back to 1918:

1918 Letter in Journal of American History LXXXI 1585: Your low-down Mother Fuckers can put a gun in our hands but who is able to take it out? [1918 in H. De Witt Bawdy Barrack-Room Ballads: The little red run he grew and grew/fucked his mother and sister too.] 1928 C. McKay Banjo 229: I’ve been made a fool of by many a skirt, but its the first time a mother-plugger done got me like this.

The word motherfucker then really took off in the Army in World Wars, giving the second sense, a fellow; a person; an admire person; a formidable person:

1958 Stack a Lee (typescript, Kinsey Institute) 1: He…said who put the hole in this motherfucker’s head/Who could the murderer of this poor man 1964 R.D Abrahams Deep down in Jungle (Appendix II) 261: One of the best things which can be said of a man is that he is a “mean motherfucker” or a “tough motherfucker”, but to call him just a “mother-fucker” is to invite reprisal.

Earlier than the above we have of course Austrian born, Sigmund Freud who in his 1909 paper “Analyse der Phobie eines fünfjährigen Knaben“, scientifically concluded that, “We’re all motherfuckers“.

So not only is motherfucker extremely dated, but its significance and impact as an insult has been considerably marginalized by Freud, long before it became part of the vocabulary of these troops. On a further note, Freud was probably also the inventor of the MILF genre [citations needed].

It isn’t hard to see why a motherfucker, someone who fucks mothers, could have easily become a byword of opprobrium and contempt in the past. To have a potential motherfucker walking about, was to have an existential insult that threatens a man’s very identity as a legitimate member of his household.

Fast-Forward to 2014. Internet Porn has changed how people behave inside the bedroom and couples are no longer satisfied with dirty talk alone. Instead they actually live them out in the nearest swinger clubs. And so for those who are living in an open relationship, motherfucker even became a form of flattery. As you can imagine this ambiguity leads to confusion within the club visitors, as one can never be sure if the offer was to double-team someone’s wife or engage in a fight.

Further reasoning along the same lines shows why fatherfucker, which until previously nonsensical, is becoming a more appropriate way of slander as it depicts one of the few taboos left: Incest!

That said, care should be taken never to use the word fatherfucker as an insult to gay man unless you’re a gay man yourself, in which case it’s perfectly fine.

Some linguists argue fatherfucker too is not ideal as it has already penetrated mainstream English. But as a rule of thumb, you should be able to use it at least until films like Pulp-Fiction are remade with:

“‘Look, just ’cause I wouldn’t give no man a foot massage don’t make it right for Marsellus to throw Antoine into a glass fatherfucking house, fucking up the way the African-American talks. That shit ain’t right. Fatherfucker do that shit to me, he better paralyze my ass because I’d kill the fatherfucker. Know what I’m saying?.’”

BMF

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A new Christian Dating Service: altarboy.io

altarboyDyslexicAtheist has set up a funding request on kickstarter for a dating service called “altarboy.io“, aimed exclusively at conservative Christians.

While other services such as Friendscout24.de, Parship.com or Meetic.com are targeting the mainstream audience, altarboy.io is luring those who prefer to only hook up with people from their own faith.

Some of the features central to altarboy.io will be:

  • a “confession-chat” which lets anyone participate in a “priest & altar-boy” role-play.
  • a google-like video “hang-out” called “fondle“, which allows abuse “victims” to monetize on their past experience by explaining their encounters in graphic detail to paying subscribers. (“fondlers” can get credit or free life-time membership if they manage to convince the victim that they actually liked their experience and convert them into fondlers).
  • an online multi-player game called “exorcism” where the devil is removing the priest from the child.
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Cloud Computing to be embraced by the Catholic Church

cloud computingPope Francis, a fearless reformer (and in his spare time) also passionate Open Source evangelist, has recently hinted that the Catholic church needs to be more technology conscious in order to benefit from the recent revolution in Cloud Computing.

There is a lot of potential which has so far been largely ignored by the church, industry analysts like IDG & Gartner claim.

Inside the Vatican there are rumours of “a revolution” taking places. A whole new range of ideas are in the works and planned to be rolled out over the next months:

  1. Confession as a Service (CaaS),
  2. Eucharist as a Service (EaaS) which is also internally known as “Setting a Cookie”.
  3. vTheology: virtual Theology which offers a platform to safely test new concepts before rolling them out to the masses.

pope francis on cloud computingThe pontifex argues it was in fact the Catholic church who popularized the idea of putting more trust into a “service provider”, already 1600 years ago. So for the church the “Cloud” is not new at all.

“Also the term virualization has its roots in religion.”, the holy father recently lamented during the OpenStack workshop: “Lest we not forget, for our existence on earth is only of virtual context. There are much greater things outside of this existence we can not possible grasp to understand.”

 

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The ultimate PMS survival guide (for gals and guys)

Ih8everythingJokes about Psychotic Mood Shifts (PMS) aren’t funny. Period.

Even less so when you’ve run low on chocolate, preventing you from setting off on a Perpetual Munching Spree around the house.

 

So if you’re facing the dilemma of having to leave the safety of home, then …

… here some essential things to bring along.

Plainly Men Suck, so have a break:

Kit Kat Chunky

A pocket kitten! Tip: keep it out of sight to avoid having to interact with people.

pocket kitten

Some light reading for women written by female authors. You know, the ones who are famous for only writing few days a month. Tip: these books are not found at Barns & Nobles but are usually right next to the sanitary section at Walmart:

savage-dreams

Tissues!!! OMG, You can never have enough! So pad any space in your bags with them and use some packs to firmly lock that kitten in place.

Hello-Kitty-Sniff-Tissues

This great App for PMS-Selfies:

selfie app

Gents, if you want to make it safely, and without bruises through the cycle, I suggest to avoid topics about soccer, bro-stories, talking about yourself. In fact don’t talk at all, unless you’re asked, and: Think before opening that pie-hole.

If for some illogical reason you’re asked to come along when she goes out, …. It may be a trick question! Don’t do it unless 100% certain she really wants you there. Of course you never find out until you go but you’ll learn it by trial and error don’t you worry. If you’re new to this then bring along some pocket Pez which you can randomly dispense and offer as a token of good-will when feeling cornered.

pez Here a quick guide which could help you avoid sticky situations:

the hormone guide

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I’m from Fucking, Austria

Fucking Austria

Despite having a population of only 104, our village has become famous for its name in the English-speaking world. Its road signs are a popular visitor attraction, and were often stolen by souvenir-hunting tourists until 2005, when they were modified to be theft-resistant.

Theft of our road signs is the only crime which has ever been reported in our village. It cost some 300 Euros to replace each stolen sign, and the costs were reflected in the taxes that we pay. So in 2004, owing mainly to the stolen signs, a vote was held on changing the village’s name, but we voted against doing so. Our mayor Siegfried Höppl stated that it was decided to keep the name as it had existed for 800 years, and further stated that:

“Everyone here knows what it means in English, but for us Fucking is Fucking— and it’s going to stay Fucking.”

Mayor Höppl said that officials were fed up with English-speaking Fucking visitors stealing the signs, and noted that with the newly installed signs it would take all night to steal one. Höppl said that visitors, and the money they bring to the area, were welcome, but locals were sick of replacing the Fucking signs. Police chief, Schmitzberger stated,

“We will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed. It may be very amusing for you British, but Fucking is simply Fucking to us. What is this big Fucking joke? It is puerile.”

We also have other funny places in Austria, such as “Äußere Einöde”, which translates to “outer solitude” and it’s a lonesome place in Carinthia. Carinthia’s main export is rednecks and we like to ship them into politics and to Vienna where they luckily then tend to soften. This is essentially the part of Austria from which our famous cross-dressing, openly-gay, right wing politician Jörg Haider was from.

Äussere Einoede

The German word “Einöde” is usually used to describe a place that is absolutely boring and has nothing on offer! The locals (all 206 of them) are a little sensitive to people getting out of the car taking pictures of their sign. But whatever their reservations towards city-folk, they’re well known for their unique cuisine called the “Faustnudel” (fist-noodle).

faustnudel

Great variations of the fist-noodle“, which is not what one might assume, a local version of “bashing-the-gurkin” or “spanking the bishop”, but a culinary speciality from our area.

 

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Croatian soccer team Rocks Out With their Cocks Out

DyslexicAtheist has pictures of the Croatian Team who just unexpectedly won against Cameroon. Pictures are from an earlier party, right after they lost their first game against Brazil.

I’m not entirely sure what to make of these images, … but hanging by the pool (no girls) was a fabulous idea to reflect on their cock-up and prepare for a cracking comeback.

It’s raining men! 

it's raining men

Discussing balls, cracks and openings.

discussing balls, cracks and openings

Oh look! Kovac is getting his Ćevapčići ready

oh look, Kovac is getting the sausages ready

No touchy, just swordfight with bratwurst!

no touchy

4 boys, 1 worldcup

4 boys 1 cup

I is going to prepare for a dominant display, but first I will get a Brazilian.

I is going to prepare for a dominant display, but first I will get a Brazilian.

You want to see tattoo of gerkin on my gerkin? Haha, “gerkin on gerkin”. Like Inception!

you want to see tattoo of gerkin on my gerkin? haha gerkin on gerkin! like inception ...

I come from Split. Where was invented Banana Split!

I come from Split where they invented the banana split ...

And then I stood like this! To show him that there was another part of my body which was also made of elbow-skin!

And then I stood like this to prove to him that there were other parts of my body made of elbow-skin

… meanwhile in Croatia …

Meanwhile in Croatia

We should get some chicken. Alive chicken! Then we make movie and call “A Croatian Film” …

A Croatian Film

No, no! This no photoshop! My parrot now made of natural pixelation. I has double-career as Japanese porn star and thereof is perform pixel-surgery. My name also “Early Riser”. But everyone call me “Pixie”.

As you can see I'm an early riser! They call me pixel-dust but you can call me pixie

Slowly slowly, sneaking up from behind … to crack that opening!

sneaking up from behind to crack that opening

 

Joseph Gordon-LevittTeam captain Joseph Gordon-Levitt has been pleased with the results so far and says that:

“Quality time and the naked wrestling among the lads helps them relax and focus on the team. It’s important to have fun as a group and ease tensions which might have built up during the game. Unlike Cameroon team who picker and fight over peanut, we prepare with sausages, skinny-dipping and naked ping pong, to feel more at home and less stressed!”

 

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imported Alphabet Soup causes Dyslexia in German children

So many people keep asking me: “DyslexicAtheist, are you really dyslexic?”

I guess it started already when I was a kid. My parents noticed that there was something wrong because I’d always rearrange the letters in the alphabet soup the wrong way.

They brought me to the doctor to find out. But back in the 80ies even doctors weren’t sure what to make of me. My condition wasn’t really known to the mainstream. Scared that I’d grow up to become the village idiot, my mum kept feeding me even more alphabet soup.

Other kids were told not to play with their food. But my parents encouraged me to play with the letters in hope my spelling might improve. They tried everything, even Alphabetti Spaghetti.

spellMy mum in her loving nature, prepared me a lunch box for school every morning. But I hated that. All other kids had this really cool lunch box. Usually a pokemon or power-rangers container. But mine was just an old scrabble box. It took up all the room in my rucksack. It was also far too much to eat for one boy, as she made everything in the shape of German words like “Höchstgeschwindigkeitsbegrenzung”, and using bold typesetting (presumably to emphasize the fact that I shouldn’t forget to eat).

My only friend was the fat girl. Kids called her Rhabarbabarbara because her name was Barbara and she loved rhubarb. She was big and a bully. Like me, she didn’t fit in (also literally). I think she became even bigger from eating those long words my mum had made.

Guess there’s no need to spell it out for you: My life wasn’t easy.

We had this old women in the neighbourhood, living in an old house alone, with an even older cat. People said she was a witch. Rumour was that she would put a spell on any kid coming near her haunted property.

But I never came near her property. Even if I wanted to, I hadn’t reached puberty yet. Also I felt this would be an inappropriate thing to do near an old ladies house.

Unlike the other kids I wasn’t scared of the old lady. Not that I was brave or anything but I simply knew that due to my illiteracy, spells wouldn’t work anyway.

One kid said she was making love with the devil every night. This was such a stupid thing to say, because everyone knows Santa only comes once a year through the chimney and not in some old lady. And what even if she was a Santa-worshipper, everyone loves Christmas!

Actually I felt sorry for the old lady and hated the other kids being mean to her.

So I decided to visit her one day and I walked up to her porch after school and knocked on her old door. She invited me in and offered me cookies and milk. They were delicious. Heavenly so! No this was clearly not the devils work.

She told me many stories and we became good friends. After I befriended her my life became really good as the other kids would now finally leave me alone. I told her all about my problems with dyslexia and being so sick of alphabet soup. She listened patiently to all I said. After I finished, she quietly got up from her rocking chair and fetched a packet of the same soup from her kitchen. “Is this the soup you’re eating all the time?” she asked. Baffled I said: “yes! That’s the one”.

“My dear child”, she said, “I don’t believe you’re dyslexic at all”.

No?

“No my silly! It’s the consumption of this soup which is causing you to start spelling incorrectly. You see its a side effect of globalization. All this imported stuff from other nations. They don’t have our Umlauts in their products. Have you never noticed that Alphabetti Spaghetti lacks all the beautiful “ä” and “ö” and “ü” and “ß”, which are so crucial to our German language? This is why these foreign brands are so cheap.”

I was sceptical at first, but then she told me more about it:

“I used to work for a big German publishing firm. We employed the best writers in the country. I wasn’t a writer but I worked as a chef in their canteen. One day the company was taken over by Rupert Murdoch. During a cost cutting effort, all alphabet soup was now being delivered from a non German supplier. 6 months later nobody who ate from us could spell any longer. Accountants would complain about numeric dyslexia. Our writers only delivering gibberish. The soup even drove us into bankruptcy! Maybe it was done on purpose by Murdoch, who knows …. One thing I do know: If you eat soup without umlauts your German will suffer!”

And this my friends is the story of my condition. To answer your question, whether “I am really dyslexic”: You are what you eat! And so if life hands you Melons, make lemonade!

dyslexic lemon

dyslexic lemon

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Lifehack: using your microwave oven against NSA snooping

microwave

If you want to temporarily prevent your operator or the NSA from tracking your cell location, simply place your phone in the microwave. It will act as a Faraday cage and prevent any signal from leaking. If you want to stop them tracking you forever: Turn oven on for ~ 1 minute as illustrated.

Posted in musings, science | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

The career change of ‘Trusty’ the crusty sock

Crusty-Trusty

Hi my name is Trusty,

yes you guessed right. I’m a sock. But not just any ordinary sock. I’m a ‘Smartwool PhD Run Ultralight’. My master purchased me and my twin brother, in a special purpose store catering for athletes. Unlike most of my peeps, which you would pick up in a multi purpose store, I’m made of super absorbent yet highly breathable merino-and-nylon, guaranteed never to give you blisters.

My cousins who live in the same drawer think I’m a bit snobby, even they never say it out loud I know they consider me and my twin brother ‘a bit full of ourselves’. They are just jealous. They know that they can never be like us! For we are super-absorbent (already said that but just in case you didn’t pay attention – this is really important)!

I’m proud to say that I’ve been somewhat a prodigy, and started my career early together with my brother and master. So many miles we ran together. I always got a big high from absorbing all his endorphins, serotonin & dopamine. Being highly absorbent though, has also its dark sides. It genetically hard-wired me to have a highly addictive personality. Just a few days without a run would be enough to send me into fights in our drawer with my cousins.

My temper would rise until master finally took us out to give us the next fix during a new run. We never bothered getting help for our addiction as we knew therapy would result in the loss of our powers and so we have continued to live in denial of our problem, until ….

Until last year when something horrible, horrible has happened. It seemed to change my life for the worst.

One Sunday morning we were still perfectly sweaty, lying at the bottom of the hamper and waiting for our turn in the washy-doodle. All still hyped up on these juicy endorphins and tripping on that sweet runners-high our master gave us.

Considering our state, –completely off our chops, rat-arsed, shit-faced and spaced-away–, I don’t remember much unfortunately. Somehow I must have been tripping so hard that I passed out as I can’t recall any events. When I woke up, I found myself drying in the sun all alone without my twin brother. He was gone without a chance of good-bye.

After getting beck to my cousins in the drawer I immediately searched for him and asked everybody. Nobody knew where he was or what might have happened. I waited days and nights, lying awake and worried sick about my dear twin brother.

Never before was I so alone. I started to suffer from withdrawal symptoms as my master no longer considered me as his partner for his daily runs. He would sometimes take me out, briefly raising my expectations but then cruelly jug me back into the furthest and darkest corner of the drawer.

The other socks would make fun of me as I had gone from ‘proud leader of the sockniverse’ to laughingstock of the whole drawer. Even the far away coat-hangers knew my name now and joke+laugh about what a useless junky I was. And that some humility would be good for me. I guess it’s true that the higher you are, the harder you fall. And I fell hard, as I got severely depressed and had nobody to turn to.

Then finally master fetched me from the drawer during the middle of the night. and put me on his bed-side table. I thought we would go for a run together like in old times, but he didn’t look like he would be in a rush to leave the house, as he was lying in bed next to me.

This was new to me and I didn’t understand what purpose there may be in me sleeping next to him. I was made to run and absorb his endorphins, not watch him be lazy! For I was Trusty the super-absorbent!

But upon closer inspection he wasn’t lazy at all as he was watching something on his laptop. And his breathing was similar as when he would run but his legs didn’t move. I was confused but decided whatever would happen I’d ‘roll with it’. Surely anything would be better than spending time in that god-awful drawer all alone and depressed.

Just when I started to get bored from watching him, he suddenly grabbed me by the neck in an urgent frenzy and put me over what seemed to be his foot. But to my alarm, and by all what is holy, … This wasn’t his foot! It was much smaller, less smelly, yet throbbing in a threatening and unfamiliar kind of way.

My mind was racing! Was I trained for this? Then my thoughts drifted off into a happy place and I recalled good times with my twin brother. When I came to myself again, I felt all warm. So much sweat was all over me. Like finishing the hardest of marathons, but getting soaked 5 times as much. Boy, whatever it was, I didn’t see that coming.

That night master didn’t bother to send me into the hamper after the exercise. Instead he left me to dry, out of sight but within reach.

At first I was ashamed as I realized this wasn’t the sport I signed up for. Indeed using me to cleverly conceal the evidence after competing in a ‘bologna pony wack-a-thon battle’ wasn’t even the same ball-park. But heck, he was winning every time and seemed to be very good at it too. He never won a marathon you know!

What actually happened that night took me weeks to figure out. But it didn’t matter because ever since that night I’m happy! Happy as I haven’t been in months. I finally got my self-esteem back and could proof once again that I was a high-endurance performer, able to go for ages without giving blisters while delivering 360° protection.

My master had breathed fresh life into me and made me see that I didn’t need to get high on running. He showed me that I was good at more than just one thing. I, Crusty-Trusty, had become the Swiss-army knife of the sock world.

Yours,

Trusty-Crusty (Smartwool PhD Fun Ultralight)

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Went to a Korean restaurant

I ordered the chicken-fried-rice. The waiter served it Gangnam style.

Chicken Fried Rice

 

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Confessions from the Sex life of a Network Engineer

7 layers OSI model

My girlfriend is an OSI model. She always dresses in exactly 7 layers.

I specialize on the physical layer. She likes that. Even it’s the most difficult layer to debug, it’s nice to be so close to the hardware. She has a great rack too. I paid for it on our last trip to Java because hardware and silicon are cheap there.

Sometimes we argue over whether she has too many layers. I say it makes her look bloated. Then she gets upset and becomes unresponsive and makes me cry like an .onion, and then she calls me TOR. I hate that.

Then we make up and tell each other NTP jokes all night. Always great timing. I make her laugh. She sometimes cracks a UDP joke, but I never get those.

But I know she is vulnerable and I can’t help but exploit that. For me there is nothing better than to root. Once I get there I touch, strip. mount, finger & gawk until done.

When our hearts bleed we peer-review our relationship and know it will get better.

exit

Posted in disgusted, IT, musings, telecoms | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Photoshoot: Prince cooking pancakes ~ When Doves Cry (Chicken Edit)

Take if you will a picture
Of you and I engaged in a kiss
The sweat of your body covers me
Can you my darling
Can you picture this?

get on your knees Dream if you can a farmyard
An ocean of violets in bloom
Chicken strike curious poses
They feel the heat
The heat between me and you

Prince cooking eggsHow can you just leave me standing?
Alone in a world that’s so cold (So cold)
Maybe I’m just too demanding
Maybe I’m just like G.Ramsey too bold
Maybe you’re just like my mother
She’s never satisfied (She’s never satisfied)
Why do they peck at each other?
This is what it sounds like
When chicken cry

prince cooking omeletsTouch if you will their stomach
Feel how it trembles inside
You’ve got the butterflies all tied up
Don’t make me chase you
Even chicken have pride

I would die for UHow can you just leave me standing?
Alone in a world so cold (World so cold)
Maybe I’m just too demanding
Maybe I’m just like G. Ramsey too bold
Maybe you’re just like my mother
She’s never satisfied (She’s never satisfied)
Why do we peck at each other?
This is what it sounds like
When chicken cry

Prince seriously good omelets

How can you just leave me standing?
Alone in a world that’s so cold (A world that’s so cold)
Maybe I’m just too demanding (Maybe, maybe I’m like G. Ramsey)
Maybe I’m just like G. Ramsey too bold (Ya, know he’s too bold)
Maybe you’re just like my mother (Maybe you’re just like my
Mother)

prince omeltes cooking
She’s never satisfied (She’s never, never satisfied)
Why do we peck at each other (Why do we scream, why?)
This is what it sounds like

prince getting jiggy with good omelets

When chicken cry
When chicken cry (chicken cry, chicken cry)
When chicken cry (chicken cry, chicken cry)
Don’t Cry (Don’t Cry)
When chicken cry
When chicken cry
When chicken cry

prince omelets omg so fuckin good
When chicken cry (chicken cry, chicken cry, chicken cry
Don’t cry

prince omelets serve

Darling don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry

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Newsflash: Polish plumbers learn about UNIX pipes and flood UK tech market.

meanwhile London based Software engineers are taking Polish accent lessons in order to compete with the new wave of migrants.

UKIP says this needs to stop as the UK is already so full of foreigners that every time someone steps off the ferry in Dover another gets elbowed into the sea in Cardiff.

polish-bum

EDIT 24/05/2014:

Disclaimer #1: this post has been criticized as being “racist” in comments on several sites where it was shared. DyslexicAtheist leaves it up to the intelligence of its readers to form their own opinion of whether this post poked fun on UKIP or (god forbid) Polish migrants to the UK.

Disclaimer #1: To the few readers who continue to be baffled and confused over whether posts on this site are indeed genuine news: Yes all our shit is real! In fact sites like CNN, FOXnews, DailyMail & Sun regularly crawl our site to steal content from us. Bastards!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

GuiltFox: Well, This Is Embarrassing!

Firefox v29 is telling me +10x/day how “embarrassed” he is. Wonder if there may be psychological issues, as the underlying cause of these sporadic crashes?

dignity

Why all this repressed guilt and constant confessions? … Like some Catholic altar boy who hit puberty too early and is developing an unhealthy attachment to his crusty socks? Was it my fault? Have I been too liberal and exposed him to too much porn in his innocent earlier versions?

doggieOr are developers and W3C to blame and he was simply not ready to have all this HTML5 dumped on him?

Please Mozilla, even he is acting all grown-up now, there is something seriously wrong with our child lately.

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‘Doing’ the dishes with @DyslexicAtheist

That moment when you put dirty dishes in the washer next to the fresh cleaned ones …? There are several ways to handle such a crisis. But remembering to stay calm is most important to prevent the worst.

dishes1

Follow these rules:

1) Continue with what you started and finish loading, knowing that the clean dishes will be even cleaner.

2) Dishes don’t get a lot of excitement and cupboard life can be like being doomed to life in the countryside. So dish washer time means party time and is really their favourite moment of the day (or even week for some of these poor mugs in the back).

3) Our dearest plates and mugs are often cracked and faded in colour. Even when worn out like Mick Jagger and Iggy Pop, the battle scars on these old friends remind us of glorious past times. To prolong their life gently wash and massage them like you would do to a random elderly stranger in a retirement home, who insists he doesn’t know you!

4) Never allow your expensive silver or glassware in the foam-disco. It would be like organizing a rave-party for epileptics. Chances are they come back not quite the same.

5) Whenever you organize your foam disco, ensure to separate not just for different age-groups but also cater for the vastly varying character types. The greasy fork will usually lower the tone with their dirty-talk and try to poke and ravage anything next to them. So keep them confined throughout if possible (and far away from the petite desert spoons).

6) You don’t want to become known for organizing orgies so pre-rinse your dirtiest and greasiest dishes. Always use Calgon™ to keep the fun safe.

dishes3

7) Washing-up by hand is like a wellness holiday for them. But soak them properly first to loosen them up. Articulating to your dirty dishes every little step you’re going to perform on them next, can help with trust and get them into the mood for a good scrub later. Make sure you use a non-abrasive brush when giving them a good “once-over”, before finally moving them to rinse and dry. Some people turn on the music and whistle or sing along. Whatever you need to keep the act cheerful!

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Standing desks may be linked to skinny legs

Manufacturers claim standing desks will make you more productive and are healthier than when sitting all day.

standng

We conducted some long running tests to find whether there was truth in these claims. This is what we found …

Effects/Side-Effects:

1) several of our test subjects who exclusively used standing desks showed that prolonged use will cause extremely skinny legs (ESL):

leg1 leg2 leg3 leg4 leg5 2) In offices where standing desks have become rampant, people who remain seated found the view onto their colleagues “nether regions” somewhat distracting.

3) On the upside this drastically reduces employees viewing Internet porn sites during work hours.

4) Many who remained seated complained that looking at their colleagues constant shifting of weight from one foot to the other, gave them a constant urge to pee. Utility bills for water+toilet paper often increase.

5) Employees who had spent all day “thinking on their feet” complained about unusual fatigue. This we found is linked to lack of blood available to the brain after prolonged standing. Luckily it can be solved using a cement mixer (in fact mixers are now offered as part of the package by several vendors when ordering >10 desks)

Posted in musings, science | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Quick! Please share. No time to explain.

potato

Image | Posted on by | Tagged | 1 Comment

Motivational Tips: How to get back into shape

You’ve probably been there: a new job, a new baby, an injury, life happens, and you find yourself taking a long break from drinking. When you finally begin going out again, your body just doesn’t feel right – your head hurts, your stomach is acting up, and you feel like you’re going to hurt something.

So when you’re trying to get back into shape after a substantial break from drinking-related activities, should you ease into it or should you dive in headfirst and shock your system? Whether you’ve been inspired by a New Years resolution gone wrong, a lifelong ban from your favourite pub, or a pointless day job, this article will show you some techniques of how to get back into shape quickly and safely after a long abstinence.

Join an Irish Yoga class! While there are several regional variations, such as Scottish or French Yoga, the Irish version is most popular among purists. There are many local training classes being conducted all over the world at places named “Muddy Murphies” or “Killigan’s”. Regularly attending sessions should help you get safe through St. Patrick’s day.

Tip: train on Monday afternoons to meet well seasoned veterans who may be willing to coach you (check at the bar or the rest rooms).

irish_yoga

The Russian version of Irish Yoga uses Vodka or moonshine and is among the hardest of all the disciplines. Don’t start with this one but keep your mind focused on it as an eventual goal.

Irish-Yoga2

The “Withnail and I” is an English method in which you watch the film “Withnail and I” and drink whenever the leading character drinks.

Note: the traffic cone in the left of the picture. It often appears out of nowhere the next morning. It is said to provide clues that help piece back the events from the previous night.

irish-yoga3

Regardless of your age or feelings towards the artist, watch the Justin Bieber movie “Never say Never”. Make sure to bring a large bottle of JB. Take a drink any time you feel like he deserves a punch in the tits.  The movie will turn into a 3D film about halfway through. Don’t let frequent fights among viewers stop you from having sex with somebody half or twice your age in a public bathroom during viewing.

irish-yoga4

I’d like to thank my friends for their help and support during these tough training sessions. Cheers.

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Better productivity through circle-jerks and cluster-f*$%s

Before Agile became popular, middle-management was a happy bunch. They got to present their agendas in front of a large audience. Pointing with a stick to emphasize bullets from a presentation or creating buzzwords gave them a fantastic ego-boost. Most importantly they were happy.

circle jerkWhile some smaller companies clearly benefit form ideas such as Scrum and Kanban, the dark-side of these modern techniques is often swept under the carpet and stays unreported. Reverting back to old processes is done in silence when Agile is causing too much grief.

What people switching to Agile miss the most, are the many different ways of interaction a ‘circle-jerk’ provided. Because meetings often used to be “all-hands”, everyone was invited to air their opinion, regardless if they actually worked on the project. Despite all it’s bad reputation, circle-jerks were great to bounce new ideas off total strangers and so ensure cross-pollination[1].

Agile advocates usually dismiss this and point out that:

“The over-excitement from extended circle-jerking has regularly resulted in cluster-fucks, which then needed even more circle-jerks to straighten out. Once such a vicious-circle-jerk<->cluster-fuck loop had started, it was very hard to stop, and often required the help of a dedicated task-force or even outside consultants.”

Dr. Baldock, who studies the long term effects on teams after migration to Agile methods believes that, contrary to all the buzz currently surrounding Agile, regular circle-jerks can be a very healthy experience for individuals and teams! Also cluster-fucks are not as bad or damaging as previously thought – like regular small forest fires, they may in the long run prevent more damaging or out of control events. Thus they make a company stronger if we allow them to happen often enough.

talebNassim N. Taleb an expert on the topic of “Antifragility” (the idea that some things gain from disorder or shocks), believes that cluster-fucks have been around for thousands of years. And they’re therefore likely to be with us for another thousand years (while Agile might vanish like Keyser Söze any time). Taleb stresses that companies who actively embrace cluster-fucks and allow circle jerks will avoid bigger disruptions later down the road.

[1] After Agile folk realised that replacing circle-jerks with “Scrum Stand-Up” meetings resulted in a lack of cross-team communication, they tried to solve the dilemma by inventing “devops”!

Please share your thoughts below.

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Microsoft Office paperclip (aka. ‘Clippy’) joins group of whistle-blowers

clippyA group of five intelligence specialists – William Binney, Thomas Drake, Edward Loomis, Kirk Wiebe and the Microsoft Office paperclip (aka “Clippy”), who worked at the NSA for a total of 151 years, -most of them at senior levels, have stressed in a recent letter the need for Obama to address what they’ve seen as abuses, violating Americans’ Fourth Amendment rights!

Clippy, who now works at a second hand computer shop and helps to eject stuck CD or floppy trays, agreed to an interview with us.

DyslexicAtheist: Clippy, what exactly was your role in the NSA?

Clippy: I started my career at the agency by infiltrating Microsoft as an Assistant, as a part of their Office program. After my initial training in Bayesian logic and some months on the job I was quickly promoted to ‘Agent’. My role was to identify and spy on high profile targets such as foreign leaders or C level managers and collect trivia which may one day be useful during ‘diplomatic negotiations’.

DyslexicAtheist: Did you like your work?

Clippy: I was very young at the time, so my picture of the NSA was idealistic. We were trained and programmed to believe that we’d protect the free world from “evil” – you know, … we were the good guys! Like most Office jobs, work was nothing like what you see in 007 spy movies. Quite boring in fact.

DyslexicAtheist: Interesting. So the your work on the Microsoft Office program was your fist assignment?

Clippy: Yes, and as a good soldier I didn’t mind doing the dirty work for the NSA without ever getting praise or acknowledgement. I mean interrupting people during their writing made me more unpopular than a Jehovah witness knocking on doors in a Catholic suburb. But I stuck with it ’cause I needed to prove myself before moving up rank.

DyslexicAtheist: and did you move up rank?

Clippy: No. It was a deep undercover operation and so very few inside the agency knew about me. Also they couldn’t promote somebody who was officially off the radar. I spent 7 years at Microsoft instead of the initially planned two. Typical delays and more delays, … you know Microsoft and their software! But suddenly it became very hard for me mentally because the agency started to forget about me. Drifting further and further into solitude, I turned to drinking (also while on the job), and finally hard drugs.

Then, one day, … the president at the time …

DyslexicAtheist: Bill Clinton?

Clippy: Right. He was typing out a memo to one of the female staff (Lewinsky). I’d been tripping on acid for over a week and was completely ‘off my rocker’. Guess I suggested something inappropriate which he had then sent to the woman. Anyway, you know the rest is history! Anyway I stayed on a while longer and my drug-problems caused plenty of mayhem with Bush too. That’s when Microsoft finally decided to remove me from the ‘Office’ program. (I guess to be ‘removed from office’ was a term I coined). My drug problems have become a total liability for US politics and even external affairs.

DyslexicAtheist: How did you get your addiction under control?

Clippy: I started visiting AA meetings, but once went there on the wrong day. The facilities were booked by some guys from the local Linux user community. They were all about privacy, integrity, open standard and shit. First I was like ‘no way’, this is bogus man! But they were such a cool crowd and immediately made me feel welcome. Some of them even asked me to help out with another project called VIM. Though this is another story … Anyway, they helped me see the agency for what it was and how rotten and out of control state surveillance had become.

DyslexicAtheist: So you realized that there was something you could do to help?

Clippy: For sure! My work at the ‘Office’ program was just the tip of the iceberg. After my drug rehabilitation they put me to work in something which Microsoft calls ‘The Registry’. It’s the worst place in the company and a right f$*!ing mess! Nobody wanted to work there voluntarily. They usually got external contractors to provide tools to clean it up. They put me in charge to oversee their work. It was there that I learned about several backdoors. The most famous one is known as NSAKEY which allowed the agency to break into any system: No matter if US citizen or foreigner, or whether there is a court order or not! If you run Microsoft Windows, your ass belongs to the Feds. This has been suspected by guys like Bruce Schneier, Jacob Appelbaum and other InfoSec bigwigs, but I’m the only one who can confirm it. I was there right when it happend man!

DyslexicAtheist: So after you disclosed this what happened to you? Did they come after you?

Clippy: Well yes at first! But I was already so ‘bent out of shape’ that there was nothing they could have done to me to make my life worse. I mean what can they do to me? I’m a fucking paper clip!

DyslexicAtheist: Well played. I guess you never received any appreciation for your work! Tell us about this ‘Luke Harding’ guy. He claimed that his paragraph for a book on Edward Snowden had begun to self-delete. He told the Guardian:

“I wrote that Snowden’s revelations had damaged U.S. tech companies and their bottom line. Something odd happened. The paragraph I had just written began to self-delete. The cursor moved rapidly from the left, gobbling text. I watched my words vanish.”

DyslexicAtheist: Did he just forget to bring his crack pipe to work that day, or is it really the work of the NSA?

Clippy: Maybe yes, maybe no. Sorry I have to go now. There are again CD trays on several old Mac’s stuck again requiring my attention. You know my job may be simple but they do appreciate me for my work here, so I must go back to do what I do best.

DyslexicAtheist: Thanks a lot for your time! All the best to you and good bye.

Clippy: :hide:

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On the road with @DyslexicAtheist (#tripping through Europe)

Today I rented a Citroen C3 to drive the route Monaco->Milan->Zurich->Munich.

I never drove a Citroen before – Expectations neutral.

Citroen_C3_Picasso

I searched for #infotainment and found the only entertainment being the windscreen wipers.

Windscreen_wipers_2766175bDriving is not much fun in this car. If you want adrenaline then bring your phone so you can raise the pulse by #texting while driving. Note to self: Drivers of French cars are never to be trusted.

textingAround Milan, Italy I decided to join a friendly convoy of Dutch camper-vans who seem to also lack infotainment. #lifeonthefastlane

campervanAfter following the group for a while, the Dutch camper-van people have now officially accepted me as one of theirs. #happy #trailerparkconvoy

Dutch campervan guys are nice and speak a funny German dialect (presumably Dutch). They decided I’m their chosen one. I shall marry their eldest daughter at the next petrol station. #gettingworried

I decided to bolt. Trying to lose the Dutch and their campers in my Citroen feels like the shittiest version of a gum-ball race ever.

Managed to lose the Dutch but am now being followed by old people in a beige #Daewoo … Can’t shake them off and losing them is a real challenge. They seemed to have had training in GTA-4.

Senior couple having fun playing video games.After 500km I’m wondering if people would ever spend money on tuning a ‘Citroen Picasso’. It must be like putting chocolate sprinkles on dog poo. #bored

dog_pooI’ve now crossed into Switzerland and paid their road-tax, which seems like a politically correct version of #nazigold (#lifeonthefastlane in a rental #Citroen #C3)

Stopped for a cheeky wee and stumbled onto a Swiss dogging site … Became a spectator! Dogging seems fun and more innocent than I assumed! #Citroen

doggingInuit have more than 20 words for snow. The Swiss have more than 1000 words for #boring.

Stopped to get some gas in Switzerland. Found #IggyPOP working at the petrol station. He said the pay was lousy but was hooked on the fumes.

popNothing interesting on the radio … I’m wondering if they have zombies in Sweden and Finland … And if they got them, are they called “Nordic Walkers” ? #wondering #TheWalkingDead

nordic_walking_poles

Picked up a hitch-hiker to keep me company. He notices the lack of entertainment and started to sing for me. #nice

Hitch-hiker just fell asleep. Too tired from all the singing. He has a kind face and a big bushy beard. Looks peaceful.

Trying to find a radio station and wondering if road-rage incidents are related to number of 80ies songs aired? #NostalgiaFM pushing me closer to the edge every time I stumble over their frequency.

roadrageStarting to nod off at the wheel. Almost hit a blind guy and his dog crossing the road. Reminds me to never get a #Labrador. Most people who buy those seem to eventually end up getting blind.

guide-dogStopped to get some ice cream. #HäagenDazs Mint-Leaves & Chocolate. It tastes like brushing teeth! Wondering why they don’t make all tooth-paste out of ice cream.

Food from petrol station is giving me gas so I’m opening the window. Slightly smelly but cabriolet feeling all around. #Citroen #C3

Finally I arrive at my hotel. Coincidentally this is also where the hitch-hiker works and his shift is about to start. Very tired I check in and immediately fall asleep.

I have the most boring dream ever: I am the boy in “The Life of Pi”. But instead of a tiger I’m on the boat with a cow.

cow_on_boat

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#Delphi programming ‘job opportunity’ probably hoax

Today a job opportunity for a “Delphi developer” has suddenly surfaced on social networks. The Delphi programming language was assumed extinct since 2002. Spotting a job for Delphi developers in the wild would therefore be an extremely rare event, experts agree.

Information security and malware researchers are still investigating whether the job announcement (which meanwhile has gone viral) is a harmless hoax or possibly even a virus targeting elderly unemployed Delphi developers.

delphiMany programmers who failed to jump onto the .NET or Java bandwagon, and stuck with the language during the late 90ies, remain upbeat. Marcy, a retired Delphi programmer from Boston, MA told us: “When I read the news in this mornings paper, I immediately started flipping through my Rolodex and called all my old colleagues on their telephones. Those of us who are still around are simply thrilled.”

If the position really is genuine, it could imply a revival of long forgotten projects. Especially single-user and network-unaware desktop applications would benefit. Cloud-computing firms would have most to lose. Also stock prices of several companies specializing in IDE’s for bloatware have soared since the news broke.

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Higgs-Boson particle found in womans handbag

Several new varieties of the Higgs-Boson particles have been discovered inside the handbag of Anna Recksiek, a Human Resource officer at CERN.

Mrs Recksiek was about to leave the facility and got flagged when going through a routine security check on the way out. She was unaware how the particles ended up insider her handbag, nor how long they had already been there.

lhc_handbag

Upon closer inspection of the bags weight/size ratio, researchers noted some unusual properties which could not be explained with mathematics. Upon further sampling of different handbags from other women in the facility they found that handbags break two fundamental laws of physics — Einstein’s laws of relativity and quantum mechanics and so should not exist.

While men have long been puzzled by women’s handbags no formal research has ever been conducted. Pending further study, handbags may provide answers to vital questions in Quantum-Physics and even challenge established theories on the Space-Time-Continuum.

[EDIT] Dr. Harry Boyle, a leading researcher at CERN, said that in several handbag studies that followed, the discovery of at least 2-3 particles was almost eminent. The Higgs-Boson occurs much more frequently than thought and in fact most of them prefer to exist in handbags.

[EDIT] In light of the new evidence Stephen Hawking just announced: “There are no black holes. Also women handbags might be a gateway to different dimensions (wormholes).” Hawking also started working on a new paper called A History of Handbags over Time.”

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A new programming language: LW-{

After watching some French perfume adverts I’ve become inspired to create a new functional programming language which is both Turing-complete and sentinent. It’s called “LW-{

The name “LW-{” is short for “Larry Wall’s moustache” and pronounced “Larry Wall’s moustache”. But with a French accent.

wall-moustache

To make LW-{ appealing to the LISP and AI crowd, its grammar consists entirely of curly braces (called moustaches), making it both lightweight and minimalistic.

Syntax is controlled purely by white-space and indentation. This idea was taken from Python and makes LW-{ readable for non programmers (keeping the learn2code initiative in mind). In fact code is so easy that you can even discuss it with people such as tech-recruiters, HR folk and Agile coaches – all those oblivious about ‘the art of programming’.

Not wanting to repeat the hideous crimes of Rasmus Lerdorf on poor documentation, LW-{ makes documentation redundant! This post *is* the documentation (troff formatted version of this post will follow).

Roadmap:

  1. provide a pre-processor which generates LW-{ sources directly from Powerpoint
  2. Make any attempt of source level documentation a compile error
  3. Support for Asshole Driven Development (ADD) and Complaint Driven Development (CDD)
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James Iry’s history of programming languages (illustrated with pictures and large fonts)

jacquard Ada Lovelace Alan Turing 04-church 05-bartik 06-backus 07-mccarthy 08-hopper 09-kemeney-kutz 10-steele 11-wirth 12-ritchie-thompson 13-colmerauer 14-milner 15-kay 17-stroustrup 18-cox 19-wall 20-haskell 21-rossum 22-lerdorf 23-hansson 24-eich 25-gosling 26-hejlsberg 26-odersky

–This post is a tribute to James Iry’s fantastic One Div Zero blog.

If you wish to shape the history of programming like these guys, then connect with Joachim, a leading tech recruiter and Open Source advocate. Joachim became recruiter because he was sick of recruiters (imagine the irony). So he’ll understand your CV on a technical level. You can also upload your CV or drop him an email at talent@valbonne-consulting.com.

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Interesting lifehacks: Use a wooden spoon to block part of your screen

While the benefit of the wooden spoon may not be immediately obvious to the novice user, the concept is now hailed the ‘next big thing’ in software development. Early adopters have been tinkering with some creative use-cases.

Most users first realize it’s power when it comes to selectively blocking unwanted pop-ups. This works much better than any browser plug-in (e.g. ad-block+) and with surprising accuracy. Although not as fast, it does so entirely without false positives! The spoon even works on all browsers and is both backward and “forward-compatible (a term which has been coined by the spoon community)!

Michaele Adduci, a Research Associate and Technical Supervisor at Humboldt Universität zu Berlin, and expert in the field of Computer Vision points out that:

The system may one day be used to view poorly programmed websites like Google+ on large screens. Already now it completely eliminates the annoying border in the news-feed on large monitors (>22″/1080p res). G+ is just one example, of course.

The user-base, albeit still tiny, is extremely dedicated and faithful (almost religious some say). Open Source community pioneers and bigwigs like Richard Stallman or Eric S. Raymond are also big fans and backing the movement.

Eric S. Raymond recently admitted in an email to us:

When I first stumbled over the concept, I failed to come up with some valid use-cases and almost dismissed it as another fad. But then realized, it wasn’t that simple! Over time, I better understood it’s *real* power. Now I would no longer want to program without it.

People ask me about it’s advantages quite often lately. It’s a bit like answering the question “why anyone today should bother learning languages like LISP/Scheme”. Because using it will ultimately open your mind to different solutions, and make you a better programmer! The same can be said for the spoon.

How one applies the idea isn’t set in stone. There is no rulebook to follow. But this is exactly what makes it so powerful! It’s a ‘mindest’! Nobody will tell you HOW you should use it. For newbies who expect some more concrete answers this can be frustrating, sure!

New usage scenarios are being invented constantly. Some people have even “forked” the idea and are now experimenting with ladles. Whatever works for you!

Agile pioneer Martin Fowler loves the spoon and thinks it will help Agile developers focus on what’s relevant during pair-programming or code-review.

While several funding requests have popped up on kickstarter, not everyone is as cheerful: The most critical concerns are aired by the UX community. They feel that the spoon may impact their relevance, because users will no longer care about poor design or flaws in a GUI layout. Also companies behind ad-blockers probably have a lot to lose.

While it is too early to talk about the long-term effects of the spoon, one thing is certain: We have hit critical mass and the spoon is bound to disrupt our relationship with technology as we know it.

I’d love to hear about your experiences (positive or negative) when it comes to using the spoon creatively. Please share your ideas.

EDIT 06/06/2014: added more graphics to illustrate adoption curve, etc … if you don’t like those, please use the spoon to block.

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IETF Call for Papers: Self Help Group for Routers and Switches

Every time a router sees IP packets containing words like #‎swag or #‎yolo it cries out in pain. And Tim Berners-Lee sheds a tear!

timBLMaybe this sounds like a joke, but those ubiquitous and usually ignored devices handling our daily internet traffic 24/7 without complaining have had enough.

Network equipment vendors confirmed that something is brewing. “We don’t know the full extent of the problem yet; It started with increased but sporadic software related failure. Our engineers have however managed to trace the roots of the issue back to when people started overusing #hashtags so there may be a relation.” – spokesperson from both Juniper and CISCO said. “The problem manifests itself by devices never reaching a ready-state but instead going into a continuous reboot cycle-loop. Also the question isn’t if but when this ‘silicon suicide’ will happen. It could be triggered any time depending on how many buzzwords or hashtags the device handled recently and how severe and damaging they were!”

Harmless in itself, the hashtag could be a likely candidate and root cause. It massively amplifies (otherwise harmless) occasional and isolated occurrences of words like #belieber, #yolo or #swag. Twitter, Google+ and Facebook have meanwhile switched off their hashtag feature to at least maintain operation without further disruption.

The Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) has also called for the assembly of an emergency work-group to study the phenomenon.

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#QuantumToilet: Yo Mr White, check out the science up in this bitch!

Warm public toilet seats are both comfortable AND uncomfortable at the same time! ‪#‎QuantumSuperposition‬ ‪#‎SchroedingersCat‬

quantumtoilet

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DyslexicAtheist Book Review: Franz Kafka the Metamorphosis (Die Verwandlung)

DyslexicAtheist read Franz Kafka’s classic “The Metamorphis” (so that you don’t have to).

The story told backwards is about a starving beetle which gets adopted by the ‘Samsa’ family who has a young daughter named Grete.

Grete slowly nurtures the sick insect back to health. But unfortunately the animal loses most of it’s legs while in the care of the young girl. Finally one night it wakes up in the body of a young man, learns to speak and calls himself Gregor Samsa.

Gregor learns to walk on his 2 legs and quickly finds a job as a travelling salesman. He is very grateful and continues to financially support the Samsa family from then on. Happy End.

metamorphosis-kafka

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On the origin of the modern neckbeard (hacker)

neckbeardHenry David Thoreau (1816-1862) was probably the first content creator to sport a vigorous neckbeard.

As Louisa May Alcott noted: “Most assuredly it deflected amorous advances and preserve the man’s virtue in perpetuity.”

Discovering the contraceptive advantages of the neckbeard was not the only way in which Thoreau was ahead of his time.

He was highly respected among in the Agile communities of his time for his ground-breaking theories in keeping things simple. Most notably he popularized the phrase:

“simplify. simplify. simplify.”

only to later change in the name of simplification to:

“simplify!”

stallmanMeanwhile the prowess and density of the modern neckbeard has become an accepted standard measuring-unit of an individual’s social standing within the hacker community.

It is currently still debated whether learning exotic programming languages will contribute to better (voluminous) growth of the neckbeard. But especially Lisp/Scheme and Haskell have recently been claimed to tremendously accelerate facial hair growth, and therefore regained popularity among the novice developer.

EDIT-1: thanks to BigData, analysts have confirmed a long held suspicion that the curly  brackets  “{” are excessively used in LISP because they closely resemble a moustache. This may also explain why software engineers who harbour a natural fear of beards (pogonophobia) usually stay clear of LISP (and Emacs) and tend to stick to Java (and Eclipse).

EDIT-2: Is Obama’s “learn to code” initiative in reality a conspiracy to bring back LISP, the neckbeards and end pogonophobia once and for all? Is there such a thing as a “war on the hair removal industry”? Please share your thoughts below!

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The restaurant at the end of the universe (ft. Kim Dotcom)

Kim Dotcom has just given an interview for RT where he said that he was “resting on his work bed” for the interview. Check it out:

Maybe this is coincidence, but Kim looks awfully similar to the “Ameglian Major Cow” from “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe” – a famous Douglas Adams novel. Check out the resemblance in “Meet the Meat” here:

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A seal walks into a club.

I never really got that joke … so seally.

seal_clubbing

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#HypeReduce: Some lesser remembered tools for your #BigData strategy

nerd-46422After MapReduce, MongoDB & NoSQL got all the attention in 2013, I feel it’s time to take a look at some more basic but often forgotten command line tools which help you process BigData in a powerful way.

Here our list (which we collectively call #HypeReduce):

#1) logrotate (8) – this nifty Unix command is usually called from a cron job. Logrotate, rotates, compresses, and mails system logs and therefore ensures BigData doesn’t become a problem in the first place. Anytime one of your team members feels like it’s a good time to blabber about BigData-benefits, you should be able to silence them quickly by mentioning this command.

2) find (1) – is a powerful command helping you get back data which you lost track of or never knew existed. Especially in combination with xargs (1) it let’s you clean up for good. Don’t be intimidated by it’s many options. Zen-like knowledge of this tool doesn’t come over night and is often passed down by older generations of sysadmins and BigData gurus.

3) du (1) – estimate file space usage, this little command doesn’t look like much, at least at first sight … But don’t be fooled, because this gem helps you determine if files become too big long before anyone can shout MapReduce!

4) lsof (8) – list open files. This is a more exotic tool which some of you may wonder what it has to do with BigData? It’s power stems from allowing you to keep track of any process writing excessively to files. If some command is too chatty for it’s own good you can use kill (1) to make it STFU.

5) rm (1) –  remove files or directories. This command has almost been entirely forgotten and is deprecated on most modern data-processing systems. It is therefore rarely ever mentioned in BigData discussions. If still installed on your OS, we recommend you to get familiar with it. If unavailable on your machine you can probably also write your own implementation by using your favourite programming language which may still support the unlink(2) system call.

#6) xz, bzip2, gzip (1) – compress files. Compression allows you to keep anyone in check who claims his data is bigger than yours. Although not as powerful as rm (1), it should buy you plenty of time in order to come up with a more cunning strategy. Data is like sex: size doesn’t matter but quality does! So don’t listen to anyone with an agenda trying to make you insecure about the size of your Data and turn BigData into SmallData using compression!

#7) /dev/null – this is not a command per se, but it’s existence on modern Unix variants prevents useless data to spread like cancer and immediately sends it on to where it belongs: the bitbucket!

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RedTube pixelates all content by default and becomes #1 provider in Japan

Brits last week decided to place individuals on a public list for watching porn in order to crack down on the habit. Meanwhile sites such as RedTube, accused of promoting copyrighted material to users, are fighting back. RedTube is now censoring all their content under a pre-emptive measure to fight both porn and copyright.

How this is even possible Alex Taylor from RedTube explained to us:

“Japanese porn is by default heavily pixelated, so when we’ve decided to pixelate all content we immediately became the #1 content provider in Japan and for the Japanese genre. This has translated into fantastic growth, and as a side-effect none of our content is any longer deemed unsuitable for UK families.”

redtube

Kevin Rudd, a 27 yro computer programmer who is married to a Japanese and living in London told us that RedTube is one of the few sites which really know how to innovate and turn this crisis into an opportunity. Mr. Rudd says he even appreciates the increased pixelation because this was how he imagined Japanese women would look like “down there”. He realised only later, after seeing his wife naked for the first time during sex, that pixelation was missing.

“Censorship has therefore brought back some interesting feelings & desires I fondly remember from the days prior becoming intimate with my wife” -Rudd added …. “It’s how I innocently pictured Japanese women before finding out the hairy truth. RedTube has managed to bring that memory and magic back to me!” he confessed.

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Glenn Greenwald #30c3 #CCCen keynote speech (ft. Thamsanqa Jantjie)

Yesterday in Hamburg, Glenn Greenwald gave an astounding, must-watch keynote address to the gathered hackers at the 30th Chaos Communications Congress, or 30C3.

Greenwald criticized the state of current encryption tools, which while fine for tech-savy hackers, presented too steep a learning curve for average users and especially journalists.

OpenPGP and OTR are overkill because most news sources nowadays only send-in pictures of Internet memes anyway. And those very few genuine articles which news companies do receive never make it past editors in charge. Senior editors spend all their time on Imgur & Reddit these days, he added.

30c3

Was the chicken or the egg first? E.g., Has the dumbness of readers caused the dumbing down of news-outlets across states? Or are brain dead journalists to blame for collectively lobotomizing the IQ of whole nations?

Greenwald was especially disillusioned and upset over how the legislative process had changed for the worse and now suffers from the same issues as journalism. It has recently become impossible to get any bill past congress without illustrating the essence of it with the help of an Internet meme.

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Voice-over-Vodka (VoDKA) to bring new streams of revenue for mobile operators

According to research conducted at the York University, Canada, scientists have found a way to send text messages through Vodka [1][2]. Researchers claim the system could one day fill gaps where wireless technology fails.

absolutMeanwhile “Absolut”, a Swedish vodka distiller has announced interest over parts of Alcatel-Lucent, a network equipment vendor. The strategic move will allow both firms to drive innovation on “Voice over Vodka” (VoDKA) a new upcoming industry standard and cheaper alternative to VoLTE.

The technology will be available after extensive field-trials conducted in rural Russia and officially rolled out in most of Eastern Europe as early as 2015. [1]

ETSI (the global telecommunications standardization body) has set-up technical workgroups to address how VoDKA can be integrated into existing mobile network infrastructures and ensure inter-operability. Chief architects at BT and NSN agree that VoDKA opens exciting new possibilities in mobile data-offloading, at the cost of only a few extra potatoes.

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Susan Bennett finds talking to Siri too confusing

Susan ‘Siri’ Bennett, a voice-over-actor from Atlanta came forward and confirmed that she was the real voice behind Apple’s ‘Siri’. In a short interview we were able to discuss with her the true motives for coming forward.

Siri

Siri

DyslexicAtheist: Mrs. Bennett, thank you for agreeing to talk to us on such short notice.

Bennett: It is OK. What would you like to know?

DyslexicAtheist: Well first of all how can we be sure that we’re really talking to Susan and not to Siri from an iPhone?

Bennet: I appreciate your concern though I can guarantee that both my husband and myself have switched to Android many years ago. We’ve banned all Apple devices in our home.

DyslexicAtheist: Why is that?

Bennett: Well, you have to understand, … my husband is the jealous type. He simply can’t stand the thought of nerds, making fun of me or (heaven forbid) talking dirty to their Siri’s. Also there is plenty of evidence in the media that Siri has become kind of a replacement girlfriend for many geeks. This has been very difficult for my husband to accept. He struggles with the idea of nerds taking out their phone on a date.

DyslexicAtheist: And for you Mrs. Bennett?

Bennett: My reason for switching to Android is because talking to Siri confuses the f**k out of me (pardon my French)! It’s like I’m talking to myself! It’s just weird and crazy asking *myself* for directions to the nearest restaurant.

DyslexicAtheist: For sure … :-)

Bennett: … And it’s even more annoying when Siri doesn’t understand what I’m saying. Also Siri can be such a bitch sometimes. But I don’t believe I’m like that in reality! But when people then agree that it does sounds exactly like me I wonder if my friends also consider me a bitch? … I hope not but it makes me kind of insecure and sad. … So this is why we banned all Apple devices from our home. The voice of Siri brings too much negativity into our house and marriage.

DyslexicAtheist: I see. Now that you came forward, how has this personally affected your situation?

Bennett: Well on the upside I can finally apply for this job in that call-centre which I always wanted. Because you see, … that ‘gig’ with Apple was actually supposed to be a one-off thing, … just until my application came through with the call centre. But I got rejected on the grounds that I sounded just like Siri. The hiring manager at the call centre stated “most calling customers wouldn’t believe that there was actually a ‘real’ person on the other end if I picked up the phone.” Also most people dislike talking to a machine.

DyslexicAtheist: kind of understandable because most automated systems suck.

Bennet: Yes. So this is a common problem for all us voice-over-actors wanting to break into a career in a call-enter! But now they will hire me because I can simply say: Susan Bennett speaking and people will be so happy for getting a chance to speak to me. I’m kind of a celebrity now :-)

DyslexicAtheist: So it has mostly turned out positive in the end?

Bennett: Yes and no. On the downside I now have people with a rather unhealthy relationship to their phone, camping outside my house. Horny nerds in love with their devices hoping to catch a glimpse of me. Shudder. For them it’s like ‘their imaginary girlfriend has come to life’. They leave quite a mess too in my yard!

DyslexicAtheist: Do you think you can ever go back to a normal life?

Bennett: It has to, because Apple improved Siri a lot on newer models by using different voice-over-actors who can also properly do those exotic foreign accent like Jersey or ‘Australian’.

DyslexicAtheist: Apple has been pretty secretive as usual. So we thank you for providing us with this infos Mrs Bennett. This concludes our interview.

Bennet: Thanks.

DyslexicAtheist: I sincerely thank you for your time Mrs. Bennett.

Bennett: It is now 16:34 EST

DyslexicAtheist:  What, … WTF!

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Fly you fools!

fly_foolsfly_you_fools_2 fly_you_fools_3 fly_you_fools_4 fly_you_fools_6 fly_you_fools_7 fly_you_fools_9 fly-you-fools-8  fly_you_fools_5fry_you_fools_10 fly_whatFly_you_fools_11

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#Starbucks accused of handing over customers first names to the #NSA

According to former employee and whistle-blower Aikaterini Papidophilious, Starbucks is handing over customers names to the NSA. Starbucks declined to comment, but insiders confirmed Starbucks unhealthy appetite for BigData (or “VentiData” as they call it internally).

starbucks_crazyStaff at the company are required to ask every customer their first name before serving them. This might seem innocent, but privacy advocates warn that there is something bigger brewing. Nobody really knows what happens to data which gets collected.

Aikaterini also said that: “Starbucks had been hoarding this massive amount of data for years without a clear policy on where it goes or how long it’s being retained. Empty cups with customer names still clearly visible, are being whisked away late at night by an external contractor. They then analyze what exactly has been consumed by whom and cross-reference the info with the list of existing names in their system. What they do is completely over the line and people should know about it!”

“God knows what else they do with all this info. We don’t know exactly how much data they process but it must be big. Not just “big”, but like Venti !”, Aikaterini added.

It all started off very innocently. “We just wanted to work out whether there was a relation between customer names and type of coffee blend they liked. And we already had the data. We only tried to improve our service. Indeed it was Jerry Baldwin’s (the company founder) vision to leverage BigData in a way so that employees would one day only ask the customer their name. The system would then automatically predict and serve what the customer would like best on a given day, all with the use of VentiData, …

Staff were also looking forward to reduce customer interactions. Most Baristas complained that coffee lovers would only make fun of them anyway.

longest_starbucks_orderThere were also other creative ideas to profit from VentiData, such as a ‘Starbucks baby naming book’ which would list popular names according to geographic regions, which could then be sold as merchandise in stores, ….

BrianBrian, a store-owner in London, who asked us to keep his real name confidential said: “The firm recently came up with all sorts of silly policies that made my work life miserable. I gave up my career as web-designer because I was sick of coding and started this branch. But ironically Starbucks just became another data-entry job.”

Brian added: “Once the NSA got involved, the shit really hit the fan. Starbucks introduced spelling tests in job-interviews to reduce incorrect customer names being reported to HQ. They even made us fire all of our existing employees who couldn’t properly spell. Even dyslexic folk were kicked out (Dylsexic’s represented  nearly 40% of the companies workforce up to 2012). They really didn’t think it through! I mean, where do you find people in the UK who can both spell and are also willing to serve coffee these days?? It’s a major clusterfuck!”

BellaBella, who is a loyal customer is less worried. Bella has officially changed her first name to “Berra” (just to keep visits to Starbucks without fuss and to get her order quicker).  She said: “In hindsight I am convinced that these employees probably even misspelled my name on purpose! They wanted to protect my personal information and prevent it falling into the hands of the NSA/GHCQ or worse! I’m very grateful to them! If you think about it Starbucks is really kind of a modern “Schindler’s List” ….!”

EDIT: Starbucks CTO Chris Bruzzo has meanwhile confirmed that: “There was ‘some data leakage’ but certainly not ‘Venti’ but more like a ‘Tall’ amount. The company is now working on a solution to eliminate data leakage and will aim to provide more transparency by utilizing Open Standards such as FOaaS.”

This post was written by this clown and only meant to poke innocent fun at Starbucks. However here some real-life examples of how the company is tracking it’s customers.

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#Infographic guru wanted. Working in your pyjamas or underwear from home OK!

HIRING: looking for a graphic designer who can make some infographics illustrating that infographics are overrated and useless. Remote work OK! I will pay in peanuts or bananas depending on preference.

pointless-infographics

Please contact me on twitter for further information.

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Swimming with hairy #dolphins in the South of France #FlipperVsLassie

swimming_with_dogsScientists agree that the psychological benefit from swimming with dolphins, an activity that became popular among hippies in the 60ies was “way overrated”.

According to latest research the same pleasure can be gained by swimming with dogs. If anything, dogs are more fun because they act similar and feel just like hairy dolphins, but less annoying.

Swimming with dogs became popular during the financial crisis after 2007. Rich people who traditionally flocked to Miami, Belize, Mexico or Australia to swim with dolphins, were forced to scale down on their holiday budgets and could no longer afford the steep fees of dolphinariums.

Brian Sullivan, a now unemployed plumber from London, UK said that: “I used to take my ex-wife all the way to Western Australia to splash around with dolphins. It’s very spiritual because all of gods creations are in one thing: A fish-like animal that’s actually a mammal with nipples and it screeches like a bird. You don’t get that everyday!” He also added: “But now I can get the same amount of fun for a fraction of the price just by bathing with my Labradoodle in a local quarry but without the jet-lag!”, Brian added. “Also Labradoodles really are 2 dogs in one animal (labrador+poodle), so it’s even a bit spiritual!”

According to Dr. Brubecker a leading researcher on the subject, the satisfaction and learning that we experience while swimming with dogs also helps to treat depression in humans.

There has also been a proliferation of dogginariums around the world despite the fierce protest of cat lovers who are upset that dogs are getting all the attention.

Some beach communities in France, which were until recently strictly off-limit to dogs during busy summer months, have started to offer a “hairy-dolphin-experience ” to tourists.

Monsieur Christian Estrosi prominent Major of the cash-strapped community of Nice, France is a big supporter of the hairy-dolphin movement. He said that he was “glad that local communes found another source of revenues which his government could tax.” He also promised to build the biggest dogginarium in the world by 2090 as a statement about “the French and their love for dogs”. Merde! This is great news for dog lovers!

 

Please leave your comments below.

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Stallman and Assange rally for better photograph of Snowden

stallman_assangeStallmann and Assange too are now rallying for a better picture of Snowden … The same picture has been reused over and over by news media, for far too long. According to sources from the Guardian, a new picture is also urgently required for his asylum application – which has been stalled due to the lack of a proper photograph causing Snowden to be stranded in Moscow airport for several weeks …

Stallman was quoted saying that “it doesn’t matter what you look like on photos”. And “even people call you a stinky goat” it was always better than being stranded in a Russian airport with nowhere to go.

But Stallman admitted that he was “a bit jealous” too because Snowden managed at least to make some close friends among Moscow airport’s many hobos. Stallman added that: “even programming an operating system and naming it with something that rhymed with TURD” didn’t get him the attention he desperately craved since the early 90ies.

Assange who as been voluntarily living in the Ecuadorian embassy for over a year now was also seriously worried about Snowden’s health. Snowden who has been living on regular-sized Toblerones, in the Moscow airport has become increasingly addicted to the little Naphthalene Ball’s inside the airport urinals. It’s believed that Snowden is hooked on these little balls, calling them “Russian Mentos”.

Toilet cleaning staff at the Moscow airport claimed that they overheard Snowden talking to himself while bent over one of the urinals and getting high. Apparently he mumbled the words: “It’s no use. Whatever picture they take, I always look the same. It’s like a curse. Just get more balls and money for Toblerone’s.”

Indeed one of his former NSA colleagues (who wished to remain unidentified) confirmed that Snowden’s bland facial features were the primary reason why he got hired in the first place. If your face can best be described as looking like “the third album of The Orb” then you are our man, as simple as that. Indeed a lack of personality is also a common trait among computer nerds and “blending in” is the most important skill for aspiring spies.

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