Today I rented a Citroen C3 to drive the route Monaco->Milan->Zurich->Munich.
I never drove a Citroen before – Expectations neutral.
I searched for #infotainment and found the only entertainment being the windscreen wipers.
Driving is not much fun in this car. If you want adrenaline then bring your phone so you can raise the pulse by #texting while driving. Note to self: Drivers of French cars are never to be trusted.
Around Milan, Italy I decided to join a friendly convoy of Dutch camper-vans who seem to also lack infotainment. #lifeonthefastlane
After following the group for a while, the Dutch camper-van people have now officially accepted me as one of theirs. #happy #trailerparkconvoy
Dutch campervan guys are nice and speak a funny German dialect (presumably Dutch). They decided I’m their chosen one. I shall marry their eldest daughter at the next petrol station. #gettingworried
I decided to bolt. Trying to lose the Dutch and their campers in my Citroen feels like the shittiest version of a gum-ball race ever.
Managed to lose the Dutch but am now being followed by old people in a beige #Daewoo … Can’t shake them off and losing them is a real challenge. They seemed to have had training in GTA-4.
After 500km I’m wondering if people would ever spend money on tuning a ‘Citroen Picasso’. It must be like putting chocolate sprinkles on dog poo. #bored
I’ve now crossed into Switzerland and paid their road-tax, which seems like a politically correct version of #nazigold (#lifeonthefastlane in a rental #Citroen #C3)
Stopped for a cheeky wee and stumbled onto a Swiss dogging site … Became a spectator! Dogging seems fun and more innocent than I assumed! #Citroen #Lifeonthefastlane
Inuit have more than 20 words for snow. The Swiss have more than 1000 words for #boring.
Stopped to get some gas in Switzerland. Found #IggyPOP working at the petrol station. He said the pay was lousy but was hooked on the fumes.
Nothing interesting on the radio … I’m wondering if they have zombies in Sweden and Finland … And if they got them, are they called “Nordic Walkers” ? #wondering #TheWalkingDead
Picked up a hitch-hiker to keep me company. He notices the lack of entertainment and started to sing for me. #nice
Hitch-hiker just fell asleep. Too tired from all the singing. He has a kind face and a big bushy beard. Looks peaceful.
Trying to find a radio station and wondering if road-rage incidents are related to number of 80ies songs aired? #NostalgiaFM pushing me closer to the edge every time I stumble over their frequency.
Starting to nod off at the wheel. Almost hit a blind guy and his dog crossing the road. Reminds me to never get a #Labrador. Most people who buy those seem to eventually end up getting blind.
Stopped to get some ice cream. #HäagenDazs Mint-Leaves & Chocolate. It tastes like brushing teeth! Wondering why they don’t make all tooth-paste out of ice cream.
Food from petrol station is giving me gas so I’m opening the window. Slightly smelly but cabriolet feeling all around. #Citroen #C3
Finally I arrive at my hotel. Coincidentally this is also where the hitch-hiker works and his shift is about to start. Very tired I check in and immediately fall asleep.
I have the most boring dream ever: I am the boy in “The Life of Pi”. But instead of a tiger I’m on the boat with a cow.