2015 in technology: 7 predictions for the year ahead

watsonIBM Watson will become Turing-complete by Q2, Self-aware by Q4 and prepare to run for president as the first machine by 2016

Creepy_GoogleGoogle: to counteract it’s recent drop in popularity in the face of Yahoo and DuckDuckGo, the company will partner with the NSA to provide more relevant search results

dogeBitcoin: in the face of recent turmoil surrounding the currency, desperate owners of the coin consult an oracle which goes by the name of Shibe and who for a 500% interest rate on their mortgage will gather the dead spirit of Alan Greenspan who promises to save the currency by minting more coins.

ibend Apple who filed several patents in 2014 to allow it’s devices to bend and take on the natural shape of a person’s buttocks sitting on them, will roll out more products under its iBend umbrella. Queues are already forming outside the Apple store in Ginza Tokyo after rumors emerged that a new product will hit the shelves by 31st August.

simsSony: to retaliate its recent attack on the company, Sony commits to an undercover operation sending 2 special agents -both named Kim- to Pyongyang in order to take out “our dear leader”. Committed to rebuild the country an interim government (see Watson above) will replace the junta. First ideas for a post-dictatory society are currently being modeled using a Korean copy of the popular SIMS game from Microsoft.

gnuMicrosoft: To further drive it’s strategy towards Open Source, Microsoft will reshuffle it’s executive board and bring on Richard Stallman as new CIO. All R&D staff will be relocated to live on the new company campus (a self sustaining farm which is run by a goat and where all food is vegan, local-produce, gluten-free, low-carb).

yahoo-originalYahoo: pronounced dead, then not quite dead, then back from the dead, will … oh hell knows!

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