So I just scraped this spider off my bedlinen. Think I killed it in my sleep.
2 of his legs were detached and his guts were spread over my bedsheets. If that’s not enough I had coffee and breakfast in bed this morning (normal Tuesday for me before you ask), which means my nether-regions were spreading it deeper into the bedsheets while I was having coffee and planning my day.
I’m trying to recall what I was up to last night as I’m sure I’m not much into arachnoid-sex. Still this is slightly disturbing as clearly spider-pussy is known to be awesome.
Anyway, ‟we’re not here to fuck spiders”, as they say in Australia. So I flushed its 8-legged corpse down the toilet and then had 4 showers (2 for each pair of legs).
After writing this post, guess I’ll have another bath. Just in case.
You wondered how I’m so sure it was a male spider? Only a male spider would attempt to take sexual advantage of me in my sleep. I’m a guy and science says 90% of them are gay. Here detailed research:
title / lyrics by The Cure “lullaby“, (the creepiest, most claustrophobic but most awesome Cure song ever):
on candystripe legs spiderman comes
softly through the shadow of the evening sun
stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead
looking for the victim shivering in bed
searching out fear in the gathering gloom and
suddenly! a movement in the corner of the
room! and there is nothing i can do when i
realise with freight that the spiderman is having
me for dinner tonight
quietly he laughs and shaking his head creeps
closer now closer to the foot of the bed and
softer than shadow and quicker than flies his
arms are all around me and his tongue in my
eyes “be still be calm be quiet now my precious
boy don’t struggle like that or i will only love
you more for it’s much too late to get away or
turn on the light the spiderman is having you
for dinner tonight”
and i feel like i’m being eaten by a thousand
million shivering furry holes and i know that in
the morning i will wake up in the shivering cold
and the spiderman is always hungry…