BREXIT: Bank of England secretly analyzes the effects of leaving the EU

An email ‟accidentally” sent by a Bank of England employee to the Guardian shows officials are secretly researching the financial shocks that could hit Britain if there is a vote to leave the European Union in the forthcoming referendum.

Modeling post-exit scenarios is about as messy as Boris Johnsons hairdo.

boris johnson

And Britain does have a lot to lose. Its membership in the EU, as estimated by the CBI, is worth 5% of it’s GDP. That’s a whopping £78bn poppers a year.

Then what’s driving the trend among the public who are increasingly in favor of the Brexit?

Angst is stirred mainly by the political far-right. UKIP, -who thinks that every time a foreigner steps off the ferry in Dover, somebody gets elbowed into the ocean in Cardiff- just gained a seat in parliament.

For those unfamiliar with UKIP, that’s the same party which nominated a porn star as their representative in Bristol (aka Johnny Rockhard).

Johnny Rockhard

But before you spill your pint, I assure you it’s not as bad as it looks. His main qualification is that “he is not a pedophile, and rather would undergo 5 enemas per day until 2020, rather than fiddle with kids”. That’s a high goal for British politicians (and a lot of enemas by any standard). Johnny also thinks his unique experience in the world of adult entertainment would bring him closer to his constituents than the average politician at the “top of the tower”.

So what can the rest of Europe do to make Britain more comfortable and reconsider it’s exit?

Pretty much everyone on in continental Europe speaks English. So how about we sweeten the deal for our cousins across the channel and adopt English as the official language of the EU (rather than German, which has so far been the main contender).

However as a native German speaker, I do believe that there are some improvements which must be made to its spelling. I therefore propose this 5 year plan to migrate to an enhanced “Euro-English” all across the continent.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”, Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”, making words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e” is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

Herr Schmidt.

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One Response to BREXIT: Bank of England secretly analyzes the effects of leaving the EU

  1. Michael says:

    I think the Bank of England would not be doing its job if it would not try to estimate the consequences.

    Liked by 1 person

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