Author Archives: valbonneconsulting

I met Santa Claus today

Finally finished my last minute Christmas shopping. Exhausting. Fighting my way through the mad crowd of ‘idiots’ that leave all shopping to the last minute. Finally done, I arrive back at the car-park. All of a sudden I noticed a shadow in … Continue reading

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Security Alert: Bug found in GNU acronym

In memory of segfault.org † – original by Leonard Richardson Published on segfault.org 09/14/1998 The recursive acronym “GNU’s Not Unix” harbors a stack overflow bug that can cause the English language to crash and may allow arbitrary linguistic commands to … Continue reading

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Linux from Scratch entering the cloud market

The Linux from Scratched (LFS) project has decided to jump on the cloud bandwagon by providing a lightweight (non bloated) IaaS alternative to CloudStack, OpenCloud and Eucalyptus. This project will be known as COSaaS (Couple of Shell Scripts as a Service) and the … Continue reading

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Rooting for Kim Kardashians ass

Imagine you’re a tree in 2014. You lived for nearly 500+ years. As you slowly age you start wondering how your life may eventually end: Maybe you’ll carry the written word of famous man. Possibly the next Shakespeare, Poe, Hemingway, Orwell, … … Continue reading

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Apple fans whenever the company announces something new

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The last words of Schroedinger’s cat ~ A metaphysical Q&A with Phtephen

If you read lot of horoscopes, religious or metaphysical stuff you might come across this common reasoning: “Humans only use 10% of their brain capacity.”  Amazing stuff! That’s right Phtephen! While this has been believed to be a myth, recent studies indicate that … Continue reading

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Olatunkboh Prosper Goodluck

I’ve been receiving lot of mails from this Nigerian prince lately – Olatunkboh Prosper Goodluck. He promised to help me turn my life around. His spelling and grammar blows, I admit. But you can’t judge a man SOLELY ON HIS PREFERENCE FOR … Continue reading

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Learning Python the “hard” way

so my GF is a network engineer and OSI model. But she never was much interested in programming. She gets far more aroused reading her 3GPP specs. Wondering how to get her interested in programming, I resorted to some guerrilla tactics: While in … Continue reading

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The Code from Ipanema’s not working

If programming is like art, implementing business logic is elevator music. #!/usr/bin/perl use EverySingleFuckingModelFromCPAN; #use strict; #use warnings; print <<IPANEMA ¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫ Fat and bloated and slow and unstructured and buggy  The code from Ipanema gets committed And when tests she not passes, each one she not passes … Continue reading

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The dream which made me reconsider Java

as a fan of C, Python and Perl I have always dismissed Java. For 20 years in fact. Until yesterday! This is what happened: As I was waiting for the compilation of the latest kernel to finish, I was browsing some … Continue reading

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Stuck between Imposter Syndrome and Dunning Kruger effect

It was recently mentioned the Imposter Syndrome is common among Software Developers. The post proved very popular among redditors. As a satire writer who frequently wonders if my posts are funny enough I go through the cycle frequently: if my posts make it … Continue reading

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journal of a Neckbeard

neckbeard is now officially described by the Oxford Dictionary as: neck|beard Pronunciation: /ˈnɛkbɪəd/ NOUN INFORMAL   1. A growth of hair on a man’s neck, especially when regarded as indicative of poor grooming:I can picture myself wearing these clothes a … Continue reading

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DyslexicAtheist summer reading list

 

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Combating writers block

Writers Block: Recent scientific findings on the subject aside, the most effective treatment remains an old Russian home-remedy. Many thanks to my dear friend Rodnya Raskolnikov, who shared this insight with me many years ago. It works like this: Read some classic Russian literature (or … Continue reading

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Rethinking the motherloving F-word

English language linguists agree that the word motherfucker has become so mainstream that it’s no longer considered an insult. But a little history first … We cannot be sure that motherfucker, borne of fuck was not actually attested in speech … Continue reading

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A new Christian Dating Service: altarboy.io

DyslexicAtheist has set up a funding request on kickstarter for a dating service called “altarboy.io“, aimed exclusively at conservative Christians. While other services such as Friendscout24.de, Parship.com or Meetic.com are targeting the mainstream audience, altarboy.io is luring those who prefer … Continue reading

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Cloud Computing to be embraced by the Catholic Church

Pope Francis, a fearless reformer (and in his spare time) also passionate Open Source evangelist, has recently hinted that the Catholic church needs to be more technology conscious in order to benefit from the recent revolution in Cloud Computing. There … Continue reading

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The ultimate PMS survival guide (for gals and guys)

Jokes about Psychotic Mood Shifts (PMS) aren’t funny. Period. Even less so when you’ve run low on chocolate, preventing you from setting off on a Perpetual Munching Spree around the house.   So if you’re facing the dilemma of having … Continue reading

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I’m from Fucking, Austria

Despite having a population of only 104, our village has become famous for its name in the English-speaking world. Its road signs are a popular visitor attraction, and were often stolen by souvenir-hunting tourists until 2005, when they were modified … Continue reading

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Croatian soccer team Rocks Out With their Cocks Out

DyslexicAtheist has pictures of the Croatian Team who just unexpectedly won against Cameroon. Pictures are from an earlier party, right after they lost their first game against Brazil. I’m not entirely sure what to make of these images, … but … Continue reading

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imported Alphabet Soup causes Dyslexia in German children

So many people keep asking me: “DyslexicAtheist, are you really dyslexic?” I guess it started already when I was a kid. My parents noticed that there was something wrong because I’d always rearrange the letters in the alphabet soup the … Continue reading

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Lifehack: using your microwave oven against NSA snooping

If you want to temporarily prevent your operator or the NSA from tracking your cell location, simply place your phone in the microwave. It will act as a Faraday cage and prevent any signal from leaking. If you want to … Continue reading

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The career change of ‘Trusty’ the crusty sock

Hi my name is Trusty, yes you guessed right. I’m a sock. But not just any ordinary sock. I’m a ‘Smartwool PhD Run Ultralight’. My master purchased me and my twin brother, in a special purpose store catering for athletes. … Continue reading

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Went to a Korean restaurant

I ordered the chicken-fried-rice. The waiter served it Gangnam style.  

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Confessions from the Sex life of a Network Engineer

My girlfriend is an OSI model. She always dresses in exactly 7 layers. I specialize on the physical layer. She likes that. Even it’s the most difficult layer to debug, it’s nice to be so close to the hardware. She … Continue reading

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Photoshoot: Prince cooking pancakes ~ When Doves Cry (Chicken Edit)

Take if you will a picture Of you and I engaged in a kiss The sweat of your body covers me Can you my darling Can you picture this?  Dream if you can a farmyard An ocean of violets in … Continue reading

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Newsflash: Polish plumbers learn about UNIX pipes and flood UK tech market.

meanwhile London based Software engineers are taking Polish accent lessons in order to compete with the new wave of migrants. UKIP says this needs to stop as the UK is already so full of foreigners that every time someone steps … Continue reading

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GuiltFox: Well, This Is Embarrassing!

Firefox v29 is telling me +10x/day how “embarrassed” he is. Wonder if there may be psychological issues, as the underlying cause of these sporadic crashes? Why all this repressed guilt and constant confessions? … Like some Catholic altar boy who … Continue reading

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‘Doing’ the dishes with @DyslexicAtheist

That moment when you put dirty dishes in the washer next to the fresh cleaned ones …? There are several ways to handle such a crisis. But remembering to stay calm is most important to prevent the worst. Follow these … Continue reading

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Standing desks may be linked to skinny legs

Manufacturers claim standing desks will make you more productive and are healthier than when sitting all day. We conducted some long running tests to find whether there was truth in these claims. This is what we found … Effects/Side-Effects: 1) … Continue reading

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Quick! Please share. No time to explain.

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Motivational Tips: How to get back into shape

You’ve probably been there: a new job, a new baby, an injury, life happens, and you find yourself taking a long break from drinking. When you finally begin going out again, your body just doesn’t feel right – your head … Continue reading

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Better productivity through circle-jerks and cluster-f*$%s

Before Agile became popular, middle-management was a happy bunch. They got to present their agendas in front of a large audience. Pointing with a stick to emphasize bullets from a presentation or creating buzzwords gave them a fantastic ego-boost. Most … Continue reading

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Microsoft Office paperclip (aka. ‘Clippy’) joins group of whistle-blowers

A group of five intelligence specialists – William Binney, Thomas Drake, Edward Loomis, Kirk Wiebe and the Microsoft Office paperclip (aka “Clippy”), who worked at the NSA for a total of 151 years, -most of them at senior levels, have … Continue reading

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On the road with @DyslexicAtheist (#tripping through Europe)

Today I rented a Citroen C3 to drive the route Monaco->Milan->Zurich->Munich. I never drove a Citroen before – Expectations neutral. I searched for #infotainment and found the only entertainment being the windscreen wipers. Driving is not much fun in this … Continue reading

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#Delphi programming ‘job opportunity’ probably hoax

Today a job opportunity for a “Delphi developer” has suddenly surfaced on social networks. The Delphi programming language was assumed extinct since 2002. Spotting a job for Delphi developers in the wild would therefore be an extremely rare event, experts … Continue reading

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Higgs-Boson particle found in womans handbag

Several new varieties of the Higgs-Boson particles have been discovered inside the handbag of Anna Recksiek, a Human Resource officer at CERN. Mrs Recksiek was about to leave the facility and got flagged when going through a routine security check … Continue reading

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A new programming language: LW-{

After watching some French perfume adverts I’ve become inspired to create a new functional programming language which is both Turing-complete and sentinent. It’s called “LW-{” The name “LW-{” is short for “Larry Wall’s moustache” and pronounced “Larry Wall’s moustache”. But … Continue reading

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James Iry’s history of programming languages (illustrated with pictures and large fonts)

–This post is a tribute to James Iry’s fantastic One Div Zero blog.

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Interesting lifehacks: Use a wooden spoon to block part of your screen

While the benefit of the wooden spoon may not be immediately obvious to the novice user, the concept is now hailed the ‘next big thing’ in software development. Early adopters have been tinkering with some creative use-cases. Most users first … Continue reading

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IETF Call for Papers: Self Help Group for Routers and Switches

Every time a router sees IP packets containing words like #‎swag or #‎yolo it cries out in pain. And Tim Berners-Lee sheds a tear! Maybe this sounds like a joke, but those ubiquitous and usually ignored devices handling our daily … Continue reading

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#QuantumToilet: Yo Mr White, check out the science up in this bitch!

Warm public toilet seats are both comfortable AND uncomfortable at the same time! ‪#‎QuantumSuperposition‬ ‪#‎SchroedingersCat‬

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DyslexicAtheist Book Review: Franz Kafka the Metamorphosis (Die Verwandlung)

DyslexicAtheist read Franz Kafka’s classic “The Metamorphis” (so that you don’t have to). The story told backwards is about a starving beetle which gets adopted by the ‘Samsa’ family who has a young daughter named Grete. Grete slowly nurtures the … Continue reading

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On the origin of the modern neckbeard (hacker)

Henry David Thoreau (1816-1862) was probably the first content creator to sport a vigorous neckbeard. As Louisa May Alcott noted: “Most assuredly it deflected amorous advances and preserve the man’s virtue in perpetuity.” Discovering the contraceptive advantages of the neckbeard … Continue reading

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The restaurant at the end of the universe (ft. Kim Dotcom)

Kim Dotcom has just given an interview for RT where he said that he was “resting on his work bed” for the interview. Check it out: Maybe this is coincidence, but Kim looks awfully similar to the “Ameglian Major Cow” … Continue reading

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A seal walks into a club.

I never really got that joke … so seally.

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#HypeReduce: Some lesser remembered tools for your #BigData strategy

After MapReduce, MongoDB & NoSQL got all the attention in 2013, I feel it’s time to take a look at some more basic but often forgotten command line tools which help you process BigData in a powerful way. Here our … Continue reading

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RedTube pixelates all content by default and becomes #1 provider in Japan

Brits last week decided to place individuals on a public list for watching porn in order to crack down on the habit. Meanwhile sites such as RedTube, accused of promoting copyrighted material to users, are fighting back. RedTube is now … Continue reading

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Glenn Greenwald #30c3 #CCCen keynote speech (ft. Thamsanqa Jantjie)

Yesterday in Hamburg, Glenn Greenwald gave an astounding, must-watch keynote address to the gathered hackers at the 30th Chaos Communications Congress, or 30C3. Greenwald criticized the state of current encryption tools, which while fine for tech-savy hackers, presented too steep … Continue reading

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Voice-over-Vodka (VoDKA) to bring new streams of revenue for mobile operators

According to research conducted at the York University, Canada, scientists have found a way to send text messages through Vodka [1][2]. Researchers claim the system could one day fill gaps where wireless technology fails. Meanwhile “Absolut”, a Swedish vodka distiller … Continue reading

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