Microsoft Office paperclip (aka. ‘Clippy’) joins group of whistle-blowers

clippyA group of five intelligence specialists – William Binney, Thomas Drake, Edward Loomis, Kirk Wiebe and the Microsoft Office paperclip (aka “Clippy”), who worked at the NSA for a total of 151 years, -most of them at senior levels, have stressed in a recent letter the need for Obama to address what they’ve seen as abuses, violating Americans’ Fourth Amendment rights!

Clippy, who now works at a second hand computer shop and helps to eject stuck CD or floppy trays, agreed to an interview with us.

DyslexicAtheist: Clippy, what exactly was your role in the NSA?

Clippy: I started my career at the agency by infiltrating Microsoft as an Assistant, as a part of their Office program. After my initial training in Bayesian logic and some months on the job I was quickly promoted to ‘Agent’. My role was to identify and spy on high profile targets such as foreign leaders or C level managers and collect trivia which may one day be useful during ‘diplomatic negotiations’.

DyslexicAtheist: Did you like your work?

Clippy: I was very young at the time, so my picture of the NSA was idealistic. We were trained and programmed to believe that we’d protect the free world from “evil” – you know, … we were the good guys! Like most Office jobs, work was nothing like what you see in 007 spy movies. Quite boring in fact.

DyslexicAtheist: Interesting. So the your work on the Microsoft Office program was your fist assignment?

Clippy: Yes, and as a good soldier I didn’t mind doing the dirty work for the NSA without ever getting praise or acknowledgement. I mean interrupting people during their writing made me more unpopular than a Jehovah witness knocking on doors in a Catholic suburb. But I stuck with it ’cause I needed to prove myself before moving up rank.

DyslexicAtheist: and did you move up rank?

Clippy: No. It was a deep undercover operation and so very few inside the agency knew about me. Also they couldn’t promote somebody who was officially off the radar. I spent 7 years at Microsoft instead of the initially planned two. Typical delays and more delays, … you know Microsoft and their software! But suddenly it became very hard for me mentally because the agency started to forget about me. Drifting further and further into solitude, I turned to drinking (also while on the job), and finally hard drugs.

Then, one day, … the president at the time …

DyslexicAtheist: Bill Clinton?

Clippy: Right. He was typing out a memo to one of the female staff (Lewinsky). I’d been tripping on acid for over a week and was completely ‘off my rocker’. Guess I suggested something inappropriate which he had then sent to the woman. Anyway, you know the rest is history! Anyway I stayed on a while longer and my drug-problems caused plenty of mayhem with Bush too. That’s when Microsoft finally decided to remove me from the ‘Office’ program. (I guess to be ‘removed from office’ was a term I coined). My drug problems have become a total liability for US politics and even external affairs.

DyslexicAtheist: How did you get your addiction under control?

Clippy: I started visiting AA meetings, but once went there on the wrong day. The facilities were booked by some guys from the local Linux user community. They were all about privacy, integrity, open standard and shit. First I was like ‘no way’, this is bogus man! But they were such a cool crowd and immediately made me feel welcome. Some of them even asked me to help out with another project called VIM. Though this is another story … Anyway, they helped me see the agency for what it was and how rotten and out of control state surveillance had become.

DyslexicAtheist: So you realized that there was something you could do to help?

Clippy: For sure! My work at the ‘Office’ program was just the tip of the iceberg. After my drug rehabilitation they put me to work in something which Microsoft calls ‘The Registry’. It’s the worst place in the company and a right f$*!ing mess! Nobody wanted to work there voluntarily. They usually got external contractors to provide tools to clean it up. They put me in charge to oversee their work. It was there that I learned about several backdoors. The most famous one is known as NSAKEY which allowed the agency to break into any system: No matter if US citizen or foreigner, or whether there is a court order or not! If you run Microsoft Windows, your ass belongs to the Feds. This has been suspected by guys like Bruce Schneier, Jacob Appelbaum and other InfoSec bigwigs, but I’m the only one who can confirm it. I was there right when it happend man!

DyslexicAtheist: So after you disclosed this what happened to you? Did they come after you?

Clippy: Well yes at first! But I was already so ‘bent out of shape’ that there was nothing they could have done to me to make my life worse. I mean what can they do to me? I’m a fucking paper clip!

DyslexicAtheist: Well played. I guess you never received any appreciation for your work! Tell us about this ‘Luke Harding’ guy. He claimed that his paragraph for a book on Edward Snowden had begun to self-delete. He told the Guardian:

“I wrote that Snowden’s revelations had damaged U.S. tech companies and their bottom line. Something odd happened. The paragraph I had just written began to self-delete. The cursor moved rapidly from the left, gobbling text. I watched my words vanish.”

DyslexicAtheist: Did he just forget to bring his crack pipe to work that day, or is it really the work of the NSA?

Clippy: Maybe yes, maybe no. Sorry I have to go now. There are again CD trays on several old Mac’s stuck again requiring my attention. You know my job may be simple but they do appreciate me for my work here, so I must go back to do what I do best.

DyslexicAtheist: Thanks a lot for your time! All the best to you and good bye.

Clippy: :hide:

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On the road with DyslexicAtheist (tripping through Europe)

Today I rented a Citroen C3 to drive the route Monaco->Milan->Zurich->Munich.

I never drove a Citroen before – Expectations neutral.

Citroen_C3_Picasso

I searched for #infotainment and found the only entertainment being the windscreen wipers.

Windscreen_wipers_2766175bDriving is not much fun in this car. If you want adrenaline then bring your phone so you can raise the pulse by #texting while driving. Note to self: Drivers of French cars are never to be trusted.

textingAround Milan, Italy I decided to join a friendly convoy of Dutch camper-vans who seem to also lack infotainment. #lifeonthefastlane

campervanAfter following the group for a while, the Dutch camper-van people have now officially accepted me as one of theirs. #happy #trailerparkconvoy

Dutch campervan guys are nice and speak a funny German dialect (presumably Dutch). They decided I’m their chosen one. I shall marry their eldest daughter at the next petrol station. #gettingworried

I decided to bolt. Trying to lose the Dutch and their campers in my Citroen feels like the shittiest version of a gum-ball race ever.

Managed to lose the Dutch but am now being followed by old people in a beige #Daewoo … Can’t shake them off and losing them is a real challenge. They seemed to have had training in GTA-4.

Senior couple having fun playing video games.After 500km I’m wondering if people would ever spend money on tuning a ‘Citroen Picasso’. It must be like putting chocolate sprinkles on dog poo. #bored

dog_pooI’ve now crossed into Switzerland and paid their road-tax, which seems like a politically correct version of #nazigold (#lifeonthefastlane in a rental #Citroen #C3)

Stopped for a cheeky wee and stumbled onto a Swiss dogging site … Became a spectator! Dogging seems fun and more innocent than I assumed! #Citroen

doggingInuit have more than 20 words for snow. The Swiss have more than 1000 words for #boring.

Stopped to get some gas in Switzerland. Found #IggyPOP working at the petrol station. He said the pay was lousy but was hooked on the fumes.

popNothing interesting on the radio … I’m wondering if they have zombies in Sweden and Finland … And if they got them, are they called “Nordic Walkers” ? #wondering #TheWalkingDead

nordic_walking_poles

Picked up a hitch-hiker to keep me company. He notices the lack of entertainment and started to sing for me. #nice

Hitch-hiker just fell asleep. Too tired from all the singing. He has a kind face and a big bushy beard. Looks peaceful.

Trying to find a radio station and wondering if road-rage incidents are related to number of 80ies songs aired? #NostalgiaFM pushing me closer to the edge every time I stumble over their frequency.

roadrageStarting to nod off at the wheel. Almost hit a blind guy and his dog crossing the road. Reminds me to never get a #Labrador. Most people who buy those seem to eventually end up getting blind.

guide-dogStopped to get some ice cream. #HäagenDazs Mint-Leaves & Chocolate. It tastes like brushing teeth! Wondering why they don’t make all tooth-paste out of ice cream.

Food from petrol station is giving me gas so I’m opening the window. Slightly smelly but cabriolet feeling all around. #Citroen #C3

Finally I arrive at my hotel. Coincidentally this is also where the hitch-hiker works and his shift is about to start. Very tired I check in and immediately fall asleep.

I have the most boring dream ever: I am the boy in “The Life of Pi”. But instead of a tiger I’m on the boat with a cow.

cow_on_boat

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#Delphi programming ‘job opportunity’ probably hoax

Today a job opportunity for a “Delphi developer” has suddenly surfaced on social networks. The Delphi programming language was assumed extinct since 2002. Spotting a job for Delphi developers in the wild would therefore be an extremely rare event, experts agree.

Information security and malware researchers are still investigating whether the job announcement (which meanwhile has gone viral) is a harmless hoax or possibly even a virus targeting elderly unemployed Delphi developers.

delphiMany programmers who failed to jump onto the .NET or Java bandwagon, and stuck with the language during the late 90ies, remain upbeat. Marcy, a retired Delphi programmer from Boston, MA told us: “When I read the news in this mornings paper, I immediately started flipping through my Rolodex and called all my old colleagues on their telephones. Those of us who are still around are simply thrilled.”

If the position really is genuine, it could imply a revival of long forgotten projects. Especially single-user and network-unaware desktop applications would benefit. Cloud-computing firms would have most to lose. Also stock prices of several companies specializing in IDE’s for bloatware have soared since the news broke.

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Higgs-Boson particle found in womans handbag

Several new varieties of the Higgs-Boson particles have been discovered inside the handbag of Anna Recksiek, a Human Resource officer at CERN.

Mrs Recksiek was about to leave the facility and got flagged when going through a routine security check on the way out. She was unaware how the particles ended up insider her handbag, nor how long they had already been there.

lhc_handbag

Upon closer inspection of the bags weight/size ratio, researchers noted some unusual properties which could not be explained with mathematics. Upon further sampling of different handbags from other women in the facility they found that handbags break two fundamental laws of physics — Einstein’s laws of relativity and quantum mechanics and so should not exist.

While men have long been puzzled by women’s handbags no formal research has ever been conducted. Pending further study, handbags may provide answers to vital questions in Quantum-Physics and even challenge established theories on the Space-Time-Continuum.

[EDIT] Dr. Harry Boyle, a leading researcher at CERN, said that in several handbag studies that followed, the discovery of at least 2-3 particles was almost eminent. The Higgs-Boson occurs much more frequently than thought and in fact most of them prefer to exist in handbags.

[EDIT] In light of the new evidence Stephen Hawking just announced: “There are no black holes. Also women handbags might be a gateway to different dimensions (wormholes).” Hawking also started working on a new paper called A History of Handbags over Time.”

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A new programming language: LW-{

After watching some French perfume adverts I’ve become inspired to create a new functional programming language which is both Turing-complete and sentinent. It’s called “LW-{

The name “LW-{” is short for “Larry Wall’s moustache” and pronounced “Larry Wall’s moustache”. But with a French accent.

wall-moustache

To make LW-{ appealing to the LISP and AI crowd, its grammar consists entirely of curly braces (called moustaches), making it both lightweight and minimalistic.

Syntax is controlled purely by white-space and indentation. This idea was taken from Python and makes LW-{ readable for non programmers (keeping the learn2code initiative in mind). In fact code is so easy that you can even discuss it with people such as tech-recruiters, HR folk and Agile coaches – all those oblivious about ‘the art of programming’.

Not wanting to repeat the hideous crimes of Rasmus Lerdorf on poor documentation, LW-{ makes documentation redundant! This post *is* the documentation (troff formatted version of this post will follow).

Roadmap:

  1. provide a pre-processor which generates LW-{ sources directly from Powerpoint
  2. Make any attempt of source level documentation a compile error
  3. Support for Asshole Driven Development (ADD) and Complaint Driven Development (CDD)
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James Iry’s history of programming languages (illustrated with pictures and large fonts)

jacquard Ada Lovelace Alan Turing 04-church 05-bartik 06-backus 07-mccarthy 08-hopper 09-kemeney-kutz 10-steele 11-wirth 12-ritchie-thompson 13-colmerauer 14-milner 15-kay 17-stroustrup 18-cox 19-wall 20-haskell 21-rossum 22-lerdorf 23-hansson 24-eich 25-gosling 26-hejlsberg 26-odersky

–This post is a tribute to James Iry’s fantastic One Div Zero blog.

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Interesting lifehacks: Use a wooden spoon to block part of your screen

While the benefit of the wooden spoon may not be immediately obvious to the novice user, the concept is now hailed the ‘next big thing’ in software development. Early adopters have been tinkering with some creative use-cases.

Most users first realize it’s power when it comes to selectively blocking unwanted pop-ups. This works much better than any browser plug-in (e.g. ad-block+) and with surprising accuracy. Although not as fast, it does so entirely without false positives! The spoon even works on all browsers and is both backward and “forward-compatible (a term which has been coined by the spoon community)!

Michaele Adduci, a Research Associate and Technical Supervisor at Humboldt Universität zu Berlin, and expert in the field of Computer Vision points out that:

The system may one day be used to view poorly programmed websites like Google+ on large screens. Already now it completely eliminates the annoying border in the news-feed on large monitors (>22″/1080p res). G+ is just one example, of course.

The user-base, albeit still tiny, is extremely dedicated and faithful (almost religious some say). Open Source community pioneers and bigwigs like Richard Stallman or Eric S. Raymond are also big fans and backing the movement.

Eric S. Raymond recently admitted in an email to us:

When I first stumbled over the concept, I failed to come up with some valid use-cases and almost dismissed it as another fad. But then realized, it wasn’t that simple! Over time, I better understood it’s *real* power. Now I would no longer want to program without it.

People ask me about it’s advantages quite often lately. It’s a bit like answering the question “why anyone today should bother learning languages like LISP/Scheme”. Because using it will ultimately open your mind to different solutions, and make you a better programmer! The same can be said for the spoon.

How one applies the idea isn’t set in stone. There is no rulebook to follow. But this is exactly what makes it so powerful! It’s a ‘mindest’! Nobody will tell you HOW you should use it. For newbies who expect some more concrete answers this can be frustrating, sure!

New usage scenarios are being invented constantly. Some people have even “forked” the idea and are now experimenting with ladles. Whatever works for you!

Agile pioneer Martin Fowler loves the spoon and thinks it will help Agile developers focus on what’s relevant during pair-programming or code-review.

While several funding requests have popped up on kickstarter, not everyone is as cheerful: The most critical concerns are aired by the UX community. They feel that the spoon may impact their relevance, because users will no longer care about poor design or flaws in a GUI layout. Also companies behind ad-blockers probably have a lot to lose.

While it is too early to talk about the long-term effects of the spoon, one thing is certain: We have hit critical mass and the spoon is bound to disrupt our relationship with technology as we know it.

I’d love to hear about your experiences (positive or negative) when it comes to using the spoon creatively. Please share your ideas.

EDIT 06/06/2014: added more graphics to illustrate adoption curve, etc … if you don’t like those, please use the spoon to block.

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IETF Call for Papers: Self Help Group for Routers and Switches

Every time a router sees IP packets containing words like #‎swag or #‎yolo it cries out in pain. And Tim Berners-Lee sheds a tear!

timBLMaybe this sounds like a joke, but those ubiquitous and usually ignored devices handling our daily internet traffic 24/7 without complaining have had enough.

Network equipment vendors confirmed that something is brewing. “We don’t know the full extent of the problem yet; It started with increased but sporadic software related failure. Our engineers have however managed to trace the roots of the issue back to when people started overusing #hashtags so there may be a relation.” – spokesperson from both Juniper and CISCO said. “The problem manifests itself by devices never reaching a ready-state but instead going into a continuous reboot cycle-loop. Also the question isn’t if but when this ‘silicon suicide’ will happen. It could be triggered any time depending on how many buzzwords or hashtags the device handled recently and how severe and damaging they were!”

Harmless in itself, the hashtag could be a likely candidate and root cause. It massively amplifies (otherwise harmless) occasional and isolated occurrences of words like #belieber, #yolo or #swag. Twitter, Google+ and Facebook have meanwhile switched off their hashtag feature to at least maintain operation without further disruption.

The Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) has also called for the assembly of an emergency work-group to study the phenomenon.

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The Quantum Toilet

Warm public toilet seats are both comfortable AND uncomfortable at the same time! ‪#‎QuantumSuperposition‬ ‪#‎SchroedingersCat‬

quantumtoilet

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DyslexicAtheist Book Review: Franz Kafka the Metamorphosis (Die Verwandlung)

DyslexicAtheist read Franz Kafka’s classic “The Metamorphis” (so that you don’t have to).

The story told backwards is about a starving beetle which gets adopted by the ‘Samsa’ family who has a young daughter named Grete.

Grete slowly nurtures the sick insect back to health. But unfortunately the animal loses most of it’s legs while in the care of the young girl. Finally one night it wakes up in the body of a young man, learns to speak and calls himself Gregor Samsa.

Gregor learns to walk on his 2 legs and quickly finds a job as a travelling salesman. He is very grateful and continues to financially support the Samsa family from then on. Happy End.

metamorphosis-kafka

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On the origin of the modern neckbeard (hacker)

neckbeardHenry David Thoreau (1816-1862) was probably the first content creator to sport a vigorous neckbeard.

As Louisa May Alcott noted: “Most assuredly it deflected amorous advances and preserve the man’s virtue in perpetuity.”

Discovering the contraceptive advantages of the neckbeard was not the only way in which Thoreau was ahead of his time.

He was highly respected among in the Agile communities of his time for his ground-breaking theories in keeping things simple. Most notably he popularized the phrase:

“simplify. simplify. simplify.”

only to later change in the name of simplification to:

“simplify!”

stallmanMeanwhile the prowess and density of the modern neckbeard has become an accepted standard measuring-unit of an individual’s social standing within the hacker community.

It is currently still debated whether learning exotic programming languages will contribute to better (voluminous) growth of the neckbeard. But especially Lisp/Scheme and Haskell have recently been claimed to tremendously accelerate facial hair growth, and therefore regained popularity among the novice developer.

EDIT-1: thanks to BigData, analysts have confirmed a long held suspicion that the curly  brackets  “{” are excessively used in LISP because they closely resemble a moustache. This may also explain why software engineers who harbour a natural fear of beards (pogonophobia) usually stay clear of LISP (and Emacs) and tend to stick to Java (and Eclipse).

EDIT-2: Is Obama’s “learn to code” initiative in reality a conspiracy to bring back LISP, the neckbeards and end pogonophobia once and for all? Is there such a thing as a “war on the hair removal industry”? Please share your thoughts below!

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The restaurant at the end of the universe (ft. Kim Dotcom)

Kim Dotcom has just given an interview for RT where he said that he was “resting on his work bed” for the interview. Check it out:

Maybe this is coincidence, but Kim looks awfully similar to the “Ameglian Major Cow” from “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe” – a famous Douglas Adams novel. Check out the resemblance in “Meet the Meat” here:

Please share this post if you liked it.

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A seal walks into a club.

I never really got that joke … so seally.

seal_clubbing

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#HypeReduce: Some lesser remembered tools for your #BigData strategy

nerd-46422After MapReduce, MongoDB & NoSQL got all the attention in 2013, I feel it’s time to take a look at some more basic but often forgotten command line tools which help you process BigData in a powerful way.

Here our list (which we collectively call #HypeReduce):

#1) logrotate (8) – this nifty Unix command is usually called from a cron job. Logrotate, rotates, compresses, and mails system logs and therefore ensures BigData doesn’t become a problem in the first place. Anytime one of your team members feels like it’s a good time to blabber about BigData-benefits, you should be able to silence them quickly by mentioning this command.

2) find (1) – is a powerful command helping you get back data which you lost track of or never knew existed. Especially in combination with xargs (1) it let’s you clean up for good. Don’t be intimidated by it’s many options. Zen-like knowledge of this tool doesn’t come over night and is often passed down by older generations of sysadmins and BigData gurus.

3) du (1) – estimate file space usage, this little command doesn’t look like much, at least at first sight … But don’t be fooled, because this gem helps you determine if files become too big long before anyone can shout MapReduce!

4) lsof (8) – list open files. This is a more exotic tool which some of you may wonder what it has to do with BigData? It’s power stems from allowing you to keep track of any process writing excessively to files. If some command is too chatty for it’s own good you can use kill (1) to make it STFU.

5) rm (1) –  remove files or directories. This command has almost been entirely forgotten and is deprecated on most modern data-processing systems. It is therefore rarely ever mentioned in BigData discussions. If still installed on your OS, we recommend you to get familiar with it. If unavailable on your machine you can probably also write your own implementation by using your favourite programming language which may still support the unlink(2) system call.

#6) xz, bzip2, gzip (1) – compress files. Compression allows you to keep anyone in check who claims his data is bigger than yours. Although not as powerful as rm (1), it should buy you plenty of time in order to come up with a more cunning strategy. Data is like sex: size doesn’t matter but quality does! So don’t listen to anyone with an agenda trying to make you insecure about the size of your Data and turn BigData into SmallData using compression!

#7) /dev/null – this is not a command per se, but it’s existence on modern Unix variants prevents useless data to spread like cancer and immediately sends it on to where it belongs: the bitbucket!

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RedTube pixelates all content by default and becomes #1 provider in Japan

Brits last week decided to place individuals on a public list for watching porn in order to crack down on the habit. Meanwhile sites such as RedTube, accused of promoting copyrighted material to users, are fighting back. RedTube is now censoring all their content under a pre-emptive measure to fight both porn and copyright.

How this is even possible Alex Taylor from RedTube explained to us:

“Japanese porn is by default heavily pixelated, so when we’ve decided to pixelate all content we immediately became the #1 content provider in Japan and for the Japanese genre. This has translated into fantastic growth, and as a side-effect none of our content is any longer deemed unsuitable for UK families.”

redtube

Kevin Rudd, a 27 yro computer programmer who is married to a Japanese and living in London told us that RedTube is one of the few sites which really know how to innovate and turn this crisis into an opportunity. Mr. Rudd says he even appreciates the increased pixelation because this was how he imagined Japanese women would look like “down there”. He realised only later, after seeing his wife naked for the first time during sex, that pixelation was missing.

“Censorship has therefore brought back some interesting feelings & desires I fondly remember from the days prior becoming intimate with my wife” -Rudd added …. “It’s how I innocently pictured Japanese women before finding out the hairy truth. RedTube has managed to bring that memory and magic back to me!” he confessed.

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Glenn Greenwald #30c3 #CCCen keynote speech (ft. Thamsanqa Jantjie)

Yesterday in Hamburg, Glenn Greenwald gave an astounding, must-watch keynote address to the gathered hackers at the 30th Chaos Communications Congress, or 30C3.

Greenwald criticized the state of current encryption tools, which while fine for tech-savy hackers, presented too steep a learning curve for average users and especially journalists.

OpenPGP and OTR are overkill because most news sources nowadays only send-in pictures of Internet memes anyway. And those very few genuine articles which news companies do receive never make it past editors in charge. Senior editors spend all their time on Imgur & Reddit these days, he added.

30c3

Was the chicken or the egg first? E.g., Has the dumbness of readers caused the dumbing down of news-outlets across states? Or are brain dead journalists to blame for collectively lobotomizing the IQ of whole nations?

Greenwald was especially disillusioned and upset over how the legislative process had changed for the worse and now suffers from the same issues as journalism. It has recently become impossible to get any bill past congress without illustrating the essence of it with the help of an Internet meme.

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Voice-over-Vodka (VoDKA) to bring new streams of revenue for mobile operators

According to research conducted at the York University, Canada, scientists have found a way to send text messages through Vodka [1][2]. Researchers claim the system could one day fill gaps where wireless technology fails.

absolutMeanwhile “Absolut”, a Swedish vodka distiller has announced interest over parts of Alcatel-Lucent, a network equipment vendor. The strategic move will allow both firms to drive innovation on “Voice over Vodka” (VoDKA) a new upcoming industry standard and cheaper alternative to VoLTE.

The technology will be available after extensive field-trials conducted in rural Russia and officially rolled out in most of Eastern Europe as early as 2015. [1]

ETSI (the global telecommunications standardization body) has set-up technical workgroups to address how VoDKA can be integrated into existing mobile network infrastructures and ensure inter-operability. Chief architects at BT and NSN agree that VoDKA opens exciting new possibilities in mobile data-offloading, at the cost of only a few extra potatoes.

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Susan Bennett finds talking to Siri too confusing

Susan ‘Siri’ Bennett, a voice-over-actor from Atlanta came forward and confirmed that she was the real voice behind Apple’s ‘Siri’. In a short interview we were able to discuss with her the true motives for coming forward.

Siri

Siri

DyslexicAtheist: Mrs. Bennett, thank you for agreeing to talk to us on such short notice.

Bennett: It is OK. What would you like to know?

DyslexicAtheist: Well first of all how can we be sure that we’re really talking to Susan and not to Siri from an iPhone?

Bennet: I appreciate your concern though I can guarantee that both my husband and myself have switched to Android many years ago. We’ve banned all Apple devices in our home.

DyslexicAtheist: Why is that?

Bennett: Well, you have to understand, … my husband is the jealous type. He simply can’t stand the thought of nerds, making fun of me or (heaven forbid) talking dirty to their Siri’s. Also there is plenty of evidence in the media that Siri has become kind of a replacement girlfriend for many geeks. This has been very difficult for my husband to accept. He struggles with the idea of nerds taking out their phone on a date.

DyslexicAtheist: And for you Mrs. Bennett?

Bennett: My reason for switching to Android is because talking to Siri confuses the f**k out of me (pardon my French)! It’s like I’m talking to myself! It’s just weird and crazy asking *myself* for directions to the nearest restaurant.

DyslexicAtheist: For sure … 🙂

Bennett: … And it’s even more annoying when Siri doesn’t understand what I’m saying. Also Siri can be such a bitch sometimes. But I don’t believe I’m like that in reality! But when people then agree that it does sounds exactly like me I wonder if my friends also consider me a bitch? … I hope not but it makes me kind of insecure and sad. … So this is why we banned all Apple devices from our home. The voice of Siri brings too much negativity into our house and marriage.

DyslexicAtheist: I see. Now that you came forward, how has this personally affected your situation?

Bennett: Well on the upside I can finally apply for this job in that call-centre which I always wanted. Because you see, … that ‘gig’ with Apple was actually supposed to be a one-off thing, … just until my application came through with the call centre. But I got rejected on the grounds that I sounded just like Siri. The hiring manager at the call centre stated “most calling customers wouldn’t believe that there was actually a ‘real’ person on the other end if I picked up the phone.” Also most people dislike talking to a machine.

DyslexicAtheist: kind of understandable because most automated systems suck.

Bennet: Yes. So this is a common problem for all us voice-over-actors wanting to break into a career in a call-enter! But now they will hire me because I can simply say: Susan Bennett speaking and people will be so happy for getting a chance to speak to me. I’m kind of a celebrity now 🙂

DyslexicAtheist: So it has mostly turned out positive in the end?

Bennett: Yes and no. On the downside I now have people with a rather unhealthy relationship to their phone, camping outside my house. Horny nerds in love with their devices hoping to catch a glimpse of me. Shudder. For them it’s like ‘their imaginary girlfriend has come to life’. They leave quite a mess too in my yard!

DyslexicAtheist: Do you think you can ever go back to a normal life?

Bennett: It has to, because Apple improved Siri a lot on newer models by using different voice-over-actors who can also properly do those exotic foreign accent like Jersey or ‘Australian’.

DyslexicAtheist: Apple has been pretty secretive as usual. So we thank you for providing us with this infos Mrs Bennett. This concludes our interview.

Bennet: Thanks.

DyslexicAtheist: I sincerely thank you for your time Mrs. Bennett.

Bennett: It is now 16:34 EST

DyslexicAtheist:  What, … WTF!

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Fly you fools!

fly_foolsfly_you_fools_2 fly_you_fools_3 fly_you_fools_4 fly_you_fools_6 fly_you_fools_7 fly_you_fools_9 fly-you-fools-8  fly_you_fools_5fry_you_fools_10 fly_whatFly_you_fools_11

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#Starbucks accused of handing over customers first names to the #NSA

According to former employee and whistle-blower Aikaterini Papidophilious, Starbucks is handing over customers names to the NSA. Starbucks declined to comment, but insiders confirmed Starbucks unhealthy appetite for BigData (or “VentiData” as they call it internally).

starbucks_crazyStaff at the company are required to ask every customer their first name before serving them. This might seem innocent, but privacy advocates warn that there is something bigger brewing. Nobody really knows what happens to data which gets collected.

Aikaterini also said that: “Starbucks had been hoarding this massive amount of data for years without a clear policy on where it goes or how long it’s being retained. Empty cups with customer names still clearly visible, are being whisked away late at night by an external contractor. They then analyze what exactly has been consumed by whom and cross-reference the info with the list of existing names in their system. What they do is completely over the line and people should know about it!”

“God knows what else they do with all this info. We don’t know exactly how much data they process but it must be big. Not just “big”, but like Venti !”, Aikaterini added.

It all started off very innocently. “We just wanted to work out whether there was a relation between customer names and type of coffee blend they liked. And we already had the data. We only tried to improve our service. Indeed it was Jerry Baldwin’s (the company founder) vision to leverage BigData in a way so that employees would one day only ask the customer their name. The system would then automatically predict and serve what the customer would like best on a given day, all with the use of VentiData, …

Staff were also looking forward to reduce customer interactions. Most Baristas complained that coffee lovers would only make fun of them anyway.

longest_starbucks_orderThere were also other creative ideas to profit from VentiData, such as a ‘Starbucks baby naming book’ which would list popular names according to geographic regions, which could then be sold as merchandise in stores, ….

BrianBrian, a store-owner in London, who asked us to keep his real name confidential said: “The firm recently came up with all sorts of silly policies that made my work life miserable. I gave up my career as web-designer because I was sick of coding and started this branch. But ironically Starbucks just became another data-entry job.”

Brian added: “Once the NSA got involved, the shit really hit the fan. Starbucks introduced spelling tests in job-interviews to reduce incorrect customer names being reported to HQ. They even made us fire all of our existing employees who couldn’t properly spell. Even dyslexic folk were kicked out (Dylsexic’s represented  nearly 40% of the companies workforce up to 2012). They really didn’t think it through! I mean, where do you find people in the UK who can both spell and are also willing to serve coffee these days?? It’s a major clusterfuck!”

BellaBella, who is a loyal customer is less worried. Bella has officially changed her first name to “Berra” (just to keep visits to Starbucks without fuss and to get her order quicker).  She said: “In hindsight I am convinced that these employees probably even misspelled my name on purpose! They wanted to protect my personal information and prevent it falling into the hands of the NSA/GHCQ or worse! I’m very grateful to them! If you think about it Starbucks is really kind of a modern “Schindler’s List” ….!”

EDIT: Starbucks CTO Chris Bruzzo has meanwhile confirmed that: “There was ‘some data leakage’ but certainly not ‘Venti’ but more like a ‘Tall’ amount. The company is now working on a solution to eliminate data leakage and will aim to provide more transparency by utilizing Open Standards such as FOaaS.”

This post was written by this clown and only meant to poke innocent fun at Starbucks. However here some real-life examples of how the company is tracking it’s customers.

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#Infographic guru wanted. Working in your pyjamas or underwear from home OK!

HIRING: looking for a graphic designer who can make some infographics illustrating that infographics are overrated and useless. Remote work OK! I will pay in peanuts or bananas depending on preference.

pointless-infographics

Please contact me on twitter for further information.

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Swimming with hairy #dolphins in the South of France #FlipperVsLassie

swimming_with_dogsScientists agree that the psychological benefit from swimming with dolphins, an activity that became popular among hippies in the 60ies was “way overrated”.

According to latest research the same pleasure can be gained by swimming with dogs. If anything, dogs are more fun because they act similar and feel just like hairy dolphins, but less annoying.

Swimming with dogs became popular during the financial crisis after 2007. Rich people who traditionally flocked to Miami, Belize, Mexico or Australia to swim with dolphins, were forced to scale down on their holiday budgets and could no longer afford the steep fees of dolphinariums.

Brian Sullivan, a now unemployed plumber from London, UK said that: “I used to take my ex-wife all the way to Western Australia to splash around with dolphins. It’s very spiritual because all of gods creations are in one thing: A fish-like animal that’s actually a mammal with nipples and it screeches like a bird. You don’t get that everyday!” He also added: “But now I can get the same amount of fun for a fraction of the price just by bathing with my Labradoodle in a local quarry but without the jet-lag!”, Brian added. “Also Labradoodles really are 2 dogs in one animal (labrador+poodle), so it’s even a bit spiritual!”

According to Dr. Brubecker a leading researcher on the subject, the satisfaction and learning that we experience while swimming with dogs also helps to treat depression in humans.

There has also been a proliferation of dogginariums around the world despite the fierce protest of cat lovers who are upset that dogs are getting all the attention.

Some beach communities in France, which were until recently strictly off-limit to dogs during busy summer months, have started to offer a “hairy-dolphin-experience ” to tourists.

Monsieur Christian Estrosi prominent Major of the cash-strapped community of Nice, France is a big supporter of the hairy-dolphin movement. He said that he was “glad that local communes found another source of revenues which his government could tax.” He also promised to build the biggest dogginarium in the world by 2090 as a statement about “the French and their love for dogs”. Merde! This is great news for dog lovers!

 

Please leave your comments below.

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Stallman and Assange rally for better photograph of Snowden

stallman_assangeStallmann and Assange too are now rallying for a better picture of Snowden … The same picture has been reused over and over by news media, for far too long. According to sources from the Guardian, a new picture is also urgently required for his asylum application – which has been stalled due to the lack of a proper photograph causing Snowden to be stranded in Moscow airport for several weeks …

Stallman was quoted saying that “it doesn’t matter what you look like on photos”. And “even people call you a stinky goat” it was always better than being stranded in a Russian airport with nowhere to go.

But Stallman admitted that he was “a bit jealous” too because Snowden managed at least to make some close friends among Moscow airport’s many hobos. Stallman added that: “even programming an operating system and naming it with something that rhymed with TURD” didn’t get him the attention he desperately craved since the early 90ies.

Assange who as been voluntarily living in the Ecuadorian embassy for over a year now was also seriously worried about Snowden’s health. Snowden who has been living on regular-sized Toblerones, in the Moscow airport has become increasingly addicted to the little Naphthalene Ball’s inside the airport urinals. It’s believed that Snowden is hooked on these little balls, calling them “Russian Mentos”.

Toilet cleaning staff at the Moscow airport claimed that they overheard Snowden talking to himself while bent over one of the urinals and getting high. Apparently he mumbled the words: “It’s no use. Whatever picture they take, I always look the same. It’s like a curse. Just get more balls and money for Toblerone’s.”

Indeed one of his former NSA colleagues (who wished to remain unidentified) confirmed that Snowden’s bland facial features were the primary reason why he got hired in the first place. If your face can best be described as looking like “the third album of The Orb” then you are our man, as simple as that. Indeed a lack of personality is also a common trait among computer nerds and “blending in” is the most important skill for aspiring spies.

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The life of @

Once upon a time there was a Little @.

It was born in fame and lived in the biggest castle of the earth known to the rest of us as the “Internet”.

Little @ had everything it could possibly wish and hope for: Friends, money and the attention of everyone. Everybody loved Little @ and it’s wishes and dreams would always come true. It went out partying every weekend with it’s friends the slash “/” and the underscore “_”.  They were often spotted smoking expensive cigars outside the casino and spending their gambling wins on whiskey, cognac and girls.

Happiness didn’t last.

But after a while people got used to Little @ and nobody thought that it was special any longer. Some said that other symbols came along (like the #) which were simply younger and far more sexy than now middle-aged @.

Then some years passed. Little @ is now alone. Wherever it goes, people shout: “SPAM”! It’s previously round and happy face is now all swollen and puffed-up from substance abuse. It’s dreams suffocated from the disappointing realities of life. It’s hopes drowned by the betrayal of it’s so called friends.

In it’s depression and loneliness it has turned to hard drugs. Spiraling down into a world of rape and abuse until finally dying alone from neglect and a broken heart in a cheap motel room.

The End.

23vxi

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